Grace, not strength

Up until one week ago, I naively believed I could never have a miscarriage. Not because I thought I had extra favor with God or anything. I believed that God knew I wasn't "strong enough" to handle it. That I was too weak and I would never be able to learn, grow or get passed something like this. How foolish was I? Like anyone would ever say, sure I'm strong enough to handle a tragedy like that...bring it on.

I've watched many friends suffer the loss of a child admiring their strength to carry through. Admiring their faith to still have complete trust and ability to surrender to God. They seemed so strong and brave. I would look at them and say, I have no idea how they are able to survive this...I would crumble. I would give up. 

I am sure if anyone had asked them in the moment if they felt strong, they would probably say they had never felt more weak, more broken, more vulnerable. When I first found out about Lily's condition, once I stopped sobbing and was able to say anything; my very first prayer was: God, please don't make me do this. Please just take her now. Don't make me endure the next five months knowing I am going to lose my daughter. 

Does that sound like the prayer of a strong woman? 

Now that I am in it, I realize my friends were not relying on strength. I don't think you could ever say any person is strong enough to handle something like this. I don't think anyone is built with the strength one would need to endure something like this. Nor do I believe in the old adage, "God only gives you what you can handle." (I apologize if this offends anyone who has said it to me, but I call BS on that sentiment right now.)

It's not strength, it's grace. I am broken-hearted. I am weak. I am not capable of carrying this cross. I don't think anyone is. But, I know now how my friends who have experienced similar loss have survived...it's grace. 

I did not think I would survive the first day after learning of Lily's condition. But, I did. Not by my own doing, but by the prayers, love and support of others. We have made it through an unimaginable week by the grace of God. As much as I feel alone right now, I know with all my heart my God is carrying us through this. I made it through with the smiles, giggles and snuggles of a sweet little boy. I made it through with the love of my amazing husband who tells me he loves me all day long and reminds me through his tears, we can do this. 

And then there is this sweet boy. Despite our heartache and sorrow, he brings us so much joy. If for no one else, we move forward, so that we can tell Ted all about all the things he got to do with his sweet sister Lily while she is with us. This week she got to go to the Library, the Splash pad and out for breakfast. These are the moments we will hang on to and pray they will carry us through.