You are my sunshine

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are grey.

You'll never know dear how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away."

I started singing this song to Ted before he was even born and I have sang it to him almost every night since. So much that I could never shut his door anymore without him asking "Mama, Sunshine Song?" just. one. more. time.

I don't know who wrote this song or if there is meaning behind these sweet lyrics. I always thought it was a man serenading the love of his life, but after losing Lily I often wonder if the author of this song has a story more like mine.

Many people know in the loss community that a child after a loss is often referred to as their "rainbow baby". A rainbow is an effect of a storm. In fact, a rainbow cannot exist without a storm. When the storm is still on the horizon, sometimes you just may see a brilliant rainbow. 

"'Rainbow Babies' is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

Understandable how it is a metaphor for loss. You never seem to feel like you are out of this storm of loss, but you learn there can be beauty a midst it. We are still waiting for our rainbow...some ray of light and beauty a midst this storm of missing Lily oh so very much. A rainbow can never replace her. She is irreplaceable, but it can provide some comfort during this endless storm of loss.

But what many people may not know is that any child you have before a loss is often referred to as your "sunshine" child/ren. They are the light before the storm. They are the warmth your heart needs when you feel cold, empty, and broken. They are that streak of God's light you see emerging through the dark storm clouds that seem to swallow you whole. Sometimes they are the only reason you ever get out of bed that day. They remind you there is hope when the despair leaves you gasping for breath. And they bring so much light to your heartbroken soul.

Ted is my sunshine...my only sunshine.