Love may cost us dearly

I'm not even quite sure where to begin with this post...

I'll start by telling you how excited I was for last week. One dear friend was getting ready to have a baby and another dear friend was getting married. This didn't make it that different of a week for us. It seems like any given week I know several people who are getting ready to have babies or a wedding. We are surrounded by a large and beautiful Catholic community and weddings and babies just come naturally with that package.

But these two...these two were on my heart all week for a different reason. Joy in suffering. I had been thinking about it all week, even thinking about how I could blog about it. Something held me back...laziness, maybe God? 

My friend having the baby lost her 1 year old son to cancer almost a year ago. It broke our hearts in a way we never imagined. It was awful to see our friends suffer like that. But then the news came that they were expecting again and I remember thinking...God is so good. 

My friend getting married lost his wife to cancer almost two years ago. This also broke my heart in a way I never could imagine. I remember going to the vigil and prayer service and seeing my friend put his head in his hands and weep for his wife. But then he reconnected with someone, who also happens to be one of my closest friends. I remember thinking again...God is so good.

I thought God's timing was so amazing that these two friends who had suffered so much were going to be experiencing new life in the same week. My friend's sweet baby girl was born on Thursday and my friends' wedding was on Saturday. When I got the news that the baby was here I couldn't stop the tears of joy. I texted some girlfriends the news and said...God is so good.

Then Friday came. We had our 18 week routine ultrasound. Routine ultrasound.

And just like that our lives were changed forever...

It seemed to start out normal. The baby was moving around and the tech was chasing the baby trying to get a good picture. She seemed to be doing the normal, routine measurements and checks. The baby's heartbeat was good. She said the baby's head was down and she couldn't get a good picture. She went to show the physician the pictures.

I am a glass half-full kind of person. My husband, a bit of a worrier, often has a glass half-empty perception. He immediately felt something was wrong when the physician came in. She said she needed to discuss something with us. 

Jason, my brave husband asked if there was something wrong. I would never be strong enough to ask because I would never want to hear the answer. She said there was something wrong.

She said a lot of words I wasn't really following. All I could think about was seeing that sweet little beating heart. She showed us a picture of the baby's head and started typing...

A-N-E-N...

And I gasped and said, Oh no...I could hardly breathe.

She typed the rest of the word...

ANENCEPHALY.

I had just recently learned this word because a woman from my church just experienced the same thing.

Without even looking at Jason, his head was buried in his hands, I asked her to tell us if it was a boy or a girl. She moved the doppler around and finally...

IT"S A GIRL.

Instead of tears of joy, it was sobs of sorrow. God had finally given me a baby girl that my heart has always longed for, but I don't get to keep her.

For those of you that do not know, Anencephaly is a neural tubal defect where the baby is missing part of its brain and skull. Our baby will not survive outside of the womb. She is very much alive inside of me, but once she is born she will most likely only live a few hours.

My greatest fear has always been not being able to get pregnant.
My second greatest fear was having a miscarriage. 

I quickly learned that neither of these things were my greatest fear. ANENCEPHALY is my greatest fear. It's like knowing you are going to have a miscarriage every day for five months.

We drove home in silence, tears, disbelief. I have never felt such heartache as this.

My heart has ached for every friend or stranger that has suffered losing a child. I've had friends lose babies through miscarriage, illness, pre-term labor. I have a dear friend who cannot have children and my heart aches for all of them. 

I never thought I would be counted among these brave women. I never thought I would join their club.

I asked Jason if he understood what was happening. He said yes, but he didn't know why it was happening to us. I think it's a question that will haunt us the rest of our lives.

I laid down on our bed and Jason laid next to me. We couldn't really talk, we just laid there and cried. Jason went to go get Ted and I just stayed there laying by myself.

In that time alone, I wept. I begged God to not make me go through this. I didn't want to tell anyone because that meant it was really happening. 

I finally mustered up the strength to call my mom and sister. They were the only two I knew I could talk to. Through their tears they said all the right things. They joined me in mourning, they comforted me and told me I was stronger than I felt. 

I texted some close friends because I knew I couldn't call them all. But I knew I needed to tell them. I needed their prayers. I have never felt more alone and more loved all at the same time.

The weird thing is that when your world stops, everyone else's keeps going. We still had my friends' wedding rehearsal to attend that day. I thought about calling her and telling her I couldn't do the reading or go to the rehearsal. But then I remembered all the suffering that her soon-to-be husband went through and I knew that we had to go. I could hear God say to me, remember that there is joy in suffering. 

Jason went with me because neither of us wanted to be alone. We tried our best to feel and act normal, but it was so difficult. It took every ounce of strength not to break down when I walked into the church. Somehow, by the grace of God, we made it through.

Their wedding was beautiful. Those words, joy in suffering and God is so good just kept swirling through my mind. I've never cried so much at a wedding.

Their second reading was the same one Jason and I had at our wedding just over two years ago:

Romans 12:1-13

I urge you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship. Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.

For by the grace given to me I tell everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than one ought to think, but to think soberly, each according to the measure of faith that God has apportioned.

For as in one body we have many parts, and all the parts do not have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ and individually parts of one another. Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us exercise them: if prophecy, in proportion to the faith; if ministry, in ministering; if one is a teacher, in teaching; if one exhorts, in exhortation; if one contributes, in generosity; if one is over others, with diligence; if one does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

Let love be sincere; hate what is evil, hold on to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; anticipate one another in showing honor. Do not grow slack in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the holy ones, exercise hospitality.

After two years of marriage, our vows took on a whole new meaning. For better or for worse; in sickness and in health...

I couldn't get past the first verse...

"to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God." My heart ached. I was begging God to take this away from me and then I heard this. I still don't know how I will be able to do it, but this is how God is calling me to offer my body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. I am my baby's life support. I will never understand why God is asking this of me, but He is.

This is the worst thing I could ever imagine, but I know there are still people who experience worse. My dear friend lost her first-born son. Another friend went into preterm labor. She had no notice, no time to prepare and accept her fate. 

I have the joy, smiles and laughter of a sweet, silly 13 month old boy that I know will carry Jason and I through this. I know that as difficult as this will be, our marriage and family will be strengthened. I never knew that my heart could break, but also grow in so much love at the same time. I know this child's life is precious and she will remind me every day to cherish every second with her brother.

I say this now and it may sound like I have it all figured out. The truth is I don't have a clue how I will actually do this. I know I cannot do it alone and I cannot do it without prayer. I ask you for prayers and for the intercession of all the sweet souls that were taken from their mothers too soon.

Bradley, Leo, Stella, Ethan, Oliver, Celeste, Marie Therese, Kolbe, Veronica,Teresa...
please pray for us and our sweet girl.

A little glimpse of the joy that comes after suffering: 

 A beautiful girl with a big brother in Heaven.

 A new covenant

And this sweet boy...

he knows exactly what his mama needs, whether a kiss, a giggle or a snuggle