Nine Months

"You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace,

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, 

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting..." 

-Dr. Seuss

That's where we are right now. Just waiting. For what exactly? I'm not really sure. Mondays are really hard days for Jason and me. Often he comes home from work and just says he feels "Blah". I usually just accept it, but I recently asked him why he feels that way and he said it's because he feels like we are just stuck...waiting. Waiting for what? I'm not exactly sure.

Waiting to see if God will bless our family with another little soul? And then waiting to find out if we will get to keep that sweet soul?

Our OB appointments with Lily were often on Mondays, especially near the end of my pregnancy. The anticipation, the fear, the sorrow of each appointment will forever be etched in my brain. Most people awaken on Mondays ready for a fresh start, but for me, very often it's a painful reminder of this waiting place that I have been in for so long now.

Lily would be nine months old and now as we continue to wait, the world seems to be passing us by. All the little sweeties that Lily should be here playing with are starting to turn one. They are walking, scooting, talking, smiling, and laughing. And we are waiting, in this most useless place, missing out daughter more than we ever imagined.

But in these exact same moments, there is so much joy and blessing in our lives. We are surrounded by family and friends who constantly reach out if only to say "we are praying for you." Those words mean more to me than anything. It helps me feel connected when often times I feel so disconnected from everyone.

And even in this waiting place, we have the constant entertainment of sweet, and quite stubborn, two year old. Even in our waiting place, he is moving forward, refusing to stay a baby and growing up. This week we have been fighting naps and bedtime and trying to transition into a toddler bed. It's been exhausting, but so amazing to see him grow and change before our eyes. 

One night he was desperately trying to stall for bedtime and he started singing, out of nowhere he started singing to Lily. My heart almost burst with joy as my eyes were burning with tears.

My mom was also here for two weeks and it was so wonderful! She came for my sister's baby shower and to shower us - mostly Ted ;-) with so much love. She always takes such good care of us and Ted adores her. Every time he sees an airplane he says, "Airplane! Gamma?" I am so grateful for all the time I have had with my mom over this past year. I always feel safer when I am with her. There is just a peace that comes when my mom is here or we are in Iowa. No matter how old I get, I will never stop needing my mom. 

Almost Perfect

It's the most wonderful time of the year! I love the Advent/Christmas season...usually. I love the way the Church looks with lights and decorations. I usually love picking out the perfect gifts for everyone I love. I usually love annual gatherings, galas and parties.

This year was obviously hard. I knew it would be. Christmas Eve was exactly six weeks since Lily was born sleeping. I knew it would be difficult, but I just didn't realize how difficult it would be.

I tried to care about Christmas presents, but honestly, I couldn't do it. I went to my obligatory parties, but wanted to leave within minutes. I decorated the house, but it didn't fill me with my usual Christmas cheer. 

We had a quiet Christmas Eve and I loved that. We went to Mass at our Church and I felt so much peace despite how much my heart was hurting. In the quiet moments of the Mass I can't help but think what it would be like to be wrestling Ted AND have a newborn. I hate that I don't know the answer to that. And I miss her.

The theme of Advent at our parish was "10,000 Reasons for Gratitude". Every family was supposed write three things they were grateful for everyday during Advent. By Christmas, there would be over 10,000 reasons throughout the parish.

We didn't do the best at keeping up with our list, but just seeing it on the fridge reminded me everyday how grateful I am. I am sad, angry and missing my daughter every single moment of every single day, but I am grateful that I get the chance to miss her. 

They played Matt Maher's version of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" and there's one part that made my heart sing thinking of Lily:

"And the angels they sing,

And the Heavens they ring,

Won't you raise up your voice

To the Son of the King"

I've never heard this Christmas song quite like this before...I know with all my heart Lily was rejoicing in the Heavens. I know she is praying for me. How do I know? Because there is no other way to survive this type of loss. It's impossible to breathe in and out without the faith of knowing she is helping me through this.

We left for Iowa on Christmas Day. (FYI - it's a great day to travel with a toddler.) My family does Christmas BIG...so big we have to rent a hall to hold everyone. I love it. I love that it grows every year with new fiances and new babies. I love how loud and joyful my family is. I normally hate to miss it, but this year we did. I didn't want to be overwhelmed all at once and mostly, I just didn't want to be there if Lily wasn't with me. I guess I wanted both of us to miss her first Christmas.

I was so happy to be home though and so thankful for that big and loud and wonderful family. We had lots of gatherings...I would say small gatherings, but that's never possible with my family. ;)

The most special part of our trip was getting to celebrate Lily with everyone. I know every single one of them wishes they could have been with us when Lily was born and after. But it just wasn't possible. One of my cousins asked me if it would be okay to have a Mass said for Lily at the Church where I grew up. It was so special! There were nearly 50 family and friends who showed up for Lily's Mass. It meant so much to celebrate Lily with all of our family and friends in Iowa. 

We spent the rest of the week soaking up time with family and squeezed in a few visits with friends. Ted got to play with all of his little cousins and they were so excited to see "Ted from Arizona".

All in all, it was almost perfect...as close as perfect gets when you are missing your daughter. I don't think we will ever have a perfect Christmas again, but I'll take a few more "almost perfect" ones...

The Polar Express

I have the best family in the world.

Truly, they are amazing and I am so tremendously blessed.

My family has given us so much love, prayers and support since we first learned of Lily's diagnosis. Every single one of them sent us a card, a text, or an email. They have spoiled us with donations and gifts. They would send a message or text randomly just to let me know they were thinking about us.

When we went to Iowa this summer, they were there for us...to love on us and to ask about Lily. The very greatest gift they've given us is remembering Lily with us, and loving her just like everyone else in our family.

I really didn't think any of them could top it...

But then they did!!

They all got together and surprised us with an amazing care package!! They sent us gift cards, house cleaning certificate and the best of all...

A trip to the North Pole!!

We traveled to Williams, Arizona to take a ride on the Polar Express.

It was magical.

My sister bought Ted some adorable Christmas jammies. Seriously...I can't even handle his cuteness.

He loved every second of it.

He got to meet Mrs. Claus and write a letter to Santa.

He loved waving to everyone when we were on the train.

He loved dancing to the Christmas carols and eating his cookie.

He was mesmerized by the lights and loved seeing Santa.

He loved to ring his Christmas bell.

It was a moment I will never forget.

But with these sweet, tender memories we make, comes the sorrow and grief of missing Lily...always. As we reached the North Pole, seeing all the lights, the "Believe" song and seeing Ted's face light up, it just hit me like a ton of bricks - through smiles and laughter come so many tears... 

I want my daughter here too.

I feel like this is just the beginning of these bittersweet moments...moments that fill you with so much joy you could burst, and then so much grief you can barely breathe. I spend much of my days smiling, laughing, and then just like that...once again, something happens - or nothing happens, and I am reminded my daughter is not here. 

I miss her so much.

I know I use this word a lot, but it truly is bittersweet. So sweet that my family would provide such a gift...so bitter to think of why.

if love were enough

Two weeks from our due date and it still seems impossible...unimaginable that in less than two weeks I won't feel her kicks, that I might not be holding her in my arms.

The closer we get the more excited I am to meet Lily, even though it means letting her go too. I've never felt my heart being tugged so hard in two opposite directions.

My heart aches every single day when I think about what will most likely happen. My heart aches for Jason and me as we are about to go through every parent's worst nightmare. My heart aches for our family who may never meet our precious girl.

But most of all, my heart aches for Ted. 

Dear Ted,

One of my greatest desires for you is to have brothers and sisters close in age. Of course Lily will always be your sister, but just not the way I imagined it. 

People keep telling me what a blessing it is that you are too young to remember this. Part of me is grateful for that...every parent wants to spare their child any pain or sorrow.

But another part of me desperately wishes you will have your own memory of Lily to hold onto. That somehow, at 18 months old, you will be able to remember seeing your sister, that you will remember that despite the sadness, this journey has been so filled with love and grace.

I know you will have pictures and our stories, but I pray you grow up and somehow remember the day you get to meet her before saying goodbye. I hope it's something that you can hold onto forever, that when you face tough times in your life, you can remember meeting your sister. I hope and pray that the love and grace from that moment will carry you through a lifetime.

Your dad and I have tried so hard to create memories and keepsakes so you can grow up knowing how much we love you and Lily. We have beautiful blankets for you to snuggle with, many keepsakes and we will have pictures to tell her stories.

But it's not enough. How could it possibly be enough? None of these things will fill the emptiness in my heart or the person missing from our lives. Nothing can make up for you not having your sister to look after and protect...your sister to play with, to love and to be your best friend.

Ted, I am so sorry that you will not have your sister here with you. I'm so sorry that you will only know her through our stories and pictures. I am so sorry that we do not get to keep her.

I am so sorry.

I believe in miracles. I really do. Of course we pray and beg God for a miracle so we can keep Lily here. But, if we only focus on that miracle, we are going to miss all the others. Do you know who told me that? It was your aunt Kara. Kind of a miracle in itself because usually I am the one saying things like that to her. ;-)

But she's right. If we put all of our hope and faith into just that one miracle, we will miss all the rest. Your life will be full of amazing and wonderful things and I know Lily will have a hand in so many of them. I have complete faith in that. 

She's already taught me so much. She's taught me what true unconditional and selfless love is. She's taught me what it truly means to defend ALL life. She's taught me that my children are a true gift from God and to never take you or her for granted. And the most important thing that she's taught me is to place my family in the hands of God and never look back.

Every time I hear the chorus of this song, I think about what you will grow up knowing because Lily is your sister. I pray that her sweet life will teach you how truly sacred and precious ALL life is. I know in my heart you will be a better man because of your sister. 

I love you, Ted. And, if love were enough, we would get to keep her.

Love, Mom

Love like I'm not scared

Give when it's not fair

Live life for another

Take time for a brother

Fight for the weak ones

Speak out for freedom

Find faith in the battle

Stand tall but above it all

Fix my eyes on You

"Fix my Eyes"

Ted and Lily :)

and some fun times at the zoo