Tuesday, July 1, 2014

My cup (still) overflows

Ted and I went to Iowa for 10 days to see my family and friends. It could not have come at a better time. We already had the trip planned before we learned about Lily's diagnosis. It was hard to leave Jason for a week, but he knew I needed to see my family. 

I had a lot of anxiety before we left. Basically, I'm anxious and worried about everything now. I was terrified something might happen and Jason wouldn't be there. I was afraid to face anyone without him by my side. I was worried I would break down the minute I saw my mom. 

I've said before I have an amazing family, but I never knew how amazing until this past week. I didn't really know how anyone would react. We've never had anything like this happen in our family. We've been abundantly blessed with dozens and dozens of grandchildren and great-grandchildren and as far as I know not even one miscarriage in all of these. We know how lucky we are too and we don't take it for granted. Everyone knows someone or knows someone who knows someone who's been through losing a child. It's just never happened so close to us. 

My family did everything right. They showered Ted and I (and Jason when he joined us) with love, prayers and support. They asked about Lily and my pregnancy. Being able to talk about Lily means everything to me. This isn't going away. As much as I would like to pretend to be "normal again", that is not reality. I don't want people to ignore what is happening to me or to our family. 

I'm not afraid to talk about her because I want people to know that she is very much alive right now. She is strong and she lets me know all day long that she is still with me. 

Ted spent the week playing with all of his sweet little cousins. He got lots of belated birthday gifts and just because gifts. We went swimming at an indoor water park. We had a picnic and played at the Splash Pad across the street from the house I grew up in. We saw childhood friends, high school friends and college friends. We went to cheer on the Iowa Cubs. We went to the lake and had breakfast at Great-Grandma Millie's. We played in the yard and read stories with Grandma Mary and Papa Lynn. 

It was the hardest goodbye since the day I moved to Arizona. Knowing that the next time we go home we will be different people again. The thought of most of my family never meeting Lily is devastating. But the worst, is thinking about my mom and dad...that they might not get to meet their first granddaughter. It makes my heart ache in ways I never imagined. 

When I think about these things that I have no control over, I get so overwhelmed with grief. So I try to focus on all the blessings. I try to focus on the memories that I have with my family while Lily is alive in me. Her trip to Iowa was filled with so much love, so much fun and so much peace.

For that I am truly grateful.


  1. Prayers and blessing going your way. We lost our firstborn son to complications that came from surgery to fix his heart defects (he lived his whole month of life in the PICU). He would be 19yo this month. God has blessed us with a big brood of other kiddos, but He has also more recently allowed us to suffer the loss of five more tiny ones. Loving is a bittersweet journey, full of risk and reward. Odd, I was just reading through old posts I'd written about the ways God healed me after the losses and I decided to share an old post. Then I clicked on your link (not knowing your story at all) and I thought clearly God had a message for us. I will pray for you and sweet Lily. Hold on to those memories and enjoy every moment. Her memory live on through your sharing.

  2. So happy you are home! The trip looks amazing and so glad your family did all the right things. What a beautiful example you are. Prayers for you!!