Friday, August 14, 2015

Nine Months

"You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace,
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, 
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…for people just waiting..." 
-Dr. Seuss

That's where we are right now. Just waiting. For what exactly? I'm not really sure. Mondays are really hard days for Jason and me. Often he comes home from work and just says he feels "Blah". I usually just accept it, but I recently asked him why he feels that way and he said it's because he feels like we are just stuck...waiting. Waiting for what? I'm not exactly sure.

Waiting to see if God will bless our family with another little soul? And then waiting to find out if we will get to keep that sweet soul?

Our OB appointments with Lily were often on Mondays, especially near the end of my pregnancy. The anticipation, the fear, the sorrow of each appointment will forever be etched in my brain. Most people awaken on Mondays ready for a fresh start, but for me, very often it's a painful reminder of this waiting place that I have been in for so long now.

Lily would be nine months old and now as we continue to wait, the world seems to be passing us by. All the little sweeties that Lily should be here playing with are starting to turn one. They are walking, scooting, talking, smiling, and laughing. And we are waiting, in this most useless place, missing out daughter more than we ever imagined.

But in these exact same moments, there is so much joy and blessing in our lives. We are surrounded by family and friends who constantly reach out if only to say "we are praying for you." Those words mean more to me than anything. It helps me feel connected when often times I feel so disconnected from everyone.

And even in this waiting place, we have the constant entertainment of sweet, and quite stubborn, two year old. Even in our waiting place, he is moving forward, refusing to stay a baby and growing up. This week we have been fighting naps and bedtime and trying to transition into a toddler bed. It's been exhausting, but so amazing to see him grow and change before our eyes. 

One night he was desperately trying to stall for bedtime and he started singing, out of nowhere he started singing to Lily. My heart almost burst with joy as my eyes were burning with tears.

My mom was also here for two weeks and it was so wonderful! She came for my sister's baby shower and to shower us - mostly Ted ;-) with so much love. She always takes such good care of us and Ted adores her. Every time he sees an airplane he says, "Airplane! Gamma?" I am so grateful for all the time I have had with my mom over this past year. I always feel safer when I am with her. There is just a peace that comes when my mom is here or we are in Iowa. No matter how old I get, I will never stop needing my mom. 

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Happy Feast Day Bradley

Happy feast day sweet Bradley. 

You left an imprint on my heart long before you ever left this worldYou taught me to pray unceasingly. You taught me to embrace every moment with my son. You taught me to live for the present. You taught me what courage looks like.

I still think about you every. single. day. I know you and Ted would have the best time playing trains and t-ball. My heart hurts so much that you and Ted do not get to make those memories together. Daily I think "how it should be". I think about you and Ted playing together and your little sisters chasing after you two, mesmerized by their big brothers. This is how it should be, but sadly, it's not how it is.

Instead Ted is missing his best friend and his sister. Instead, we spend time with your baby sister, who is a ball of joy and laughter and all I can think about is how Lily should be right next to her.  Instead, we are all painfully aware there are two sweet little souls missing from our lives. I look at her and I see your big blue eyes and remember your sweet little smirk. In the same way I look at Ted's squishy cheeks and I am reminded of Lily's kissable cheeks.

In my heart, I know that you and Lily are healed in Heaven. I know you are rejoicing, dancing in the Heavens and I know that you are together and smiling down on your sister and Ted. For that I am grateful, even though my heart aches for you and for Lily because I still want you here with us on Earth. 

We miss you so much and we think about you every day, especially on your feast day. Pray for us sweet Bradley...shower your mommy, daddy and sister with kisses from Heaven and please give Lily kisses from her mama.