Thursday, July 17, 2014

A personal saint

I've never experienced such a pull of different emotions in my life. On any given day right now, I can be laughing and smiling at Ted and then something happens or nothing happens and I'm reminded I don't get to keep my Lily girl and the laughter fades and I have to fight the tears. 

My heart aches the most for Ted. Granted, he most likely won't have a memory of this time with her but, my greatest heart's desire is to have children close in age. The greatest gift we can give Ted are brothers and sisters. My heart aches that Ted will not get to keep his sister. This is what turns my sadness into anger. 

I'm angry that Ted's only memories of Lily will be our stories. Angry that we may not have the sweet keepsake photos of Ted holding his sister. No fighting over toys or memories of sharing a room together. No sweet moments of all of us snuggling together.

Ted should get to have his sister here with him. He should grow up tormenting her, being annoyed by her, but also wanting to always protect her from anything and everything. Instead, she will be the one watching over him. And then the anger turns back into sorrow...a terrible, unbearable feeling of loss already.

This is Ted with Bradley's little sister Lynley. My heart has never felt so conflicted. It brings me so much joy to see this. At the same time, my heart aches as I think who is missing from this picture. I look at it with burning tears on my face that Ted might not ever get to stand over his sister and push her in a swing. 

At the same time I rejoice. I see Ted and Lynley together and I get a glimpse of their future. They will have a bond like none of their other friends. I envision them being a comfort to each other. They will each feel a loss they don't even remember. They will each remember their siblings through the stories we tell. 

And the most beautiful thing they will share? They will each have their own personal saint praying for them in Heaven. Nothing has ever filled my heart with so much awe, wonder and sorrow all at the same time.


  1. Thank you for writing and sharing your thought and emotions. It's so important not to close up from the world it allows us to love you all even more.

  2. That last sentence rings so true. Continued prayers for you, Kellie. Your faith is beautiful & inspiring.

  3. I am praying for all of you. I can't imagine the what if's and scenarios that play out in your heart, while for others, it's just a normal sequence of events. We can all try to understand those hurts, but we will never really live in the skin of those that face it.

    God bless you all.

  4. Thank you for sharing this. Please keep doing so! <3

  5. ugh. so beautiful. tears and tears as i read this. praying for you!!