Monday, September 29, 2014

Some days

Some days are so much worse than others. Some days I find myself crying all day long and I don't even know why. I mean, I know why, I just don't know what triggers it.

Maybe it's because on Friday Ted was 17 months and Saturday marked one month until Lily's due date. In one month, Ted will be one and a half and Lily will be...

Maybe it's because the weather is getting cooler. October used to be one of my favorite months to live in I fear it. I always long for Arizona fall and cool nights...right now I dread October.

Maybe it's because everyone else's life seems to be moving forward and we are stuck in this place. This place I never imagined being in, waiting for our whole world to drop. We listen to other people make plans for their lives, for their family and we can't make any. 

Actually, we can make plans...but they are plans I have no desire to make.

Some people speak so matter-of-factly and "practically" about our daughter's most likely fate. But is it really practical to plan your daughter's funeral before she is even born?  

Honestly, it seems ridiculous. We've done so many things to preserve Lily's memory, but this is just one thing I cannot bring myself to face. Others in the same or similar situation find comfort in making all the arrangements beforehand. I can't even allow myself to really think about it. Preserving her memory is something I can do...planning to never physically see her again is something I cannot. I can't even utter the words out loud. I can't seem to think past the moment where they will take her away from me because it just seems so...ridiculous.

I cried almost all day on and on, I couldn't stop. Just quiet tears all day long. When I got home though, there was a package waiting for me. Months ago, my aunt asked me for some shirts and material because she wanted to make a blanket for Lily. I gave her Jason's favorite tshirt, a few of Ted's favorite onesies, one of my beloved camp shirts and my flower girl dress from when I was little. It was so special to open it, especially after such an emotional day. I know my family is praying for us all the time, but to have this to hold onto...every time I look at it I will be reminded how much my family loves Lily.

On Saturday, my sweet friend Lisa gave up her morning with her family to take our family pictures. Even though they didn't go quite according to what I imagined (is that ever possible with a toddler?!), I absolutely cannot wait to see how she captured our little family. I know we will cherish these photos of our family of four.

This was the last "To-Do" on my list for Lily. I'm so happy to have all of these ways to preserve her memory, but it's still so bittersweet. Normally, I would never even consider family pictures when I am eight months pregnant, swollen and uncomfortable, but that is our reality and sometimes...most of the time, it really sucks. I was emotional the rest of the day thinking that October 27 was exactly one month away.

But again, things seem to happen just when we need them to. Our friends were having a family BBQ on Saturday afternoon. Jason didn't really want to go and I really wasn't excited about it either (sorry, friends). We both kept mentioning that we really didn't care to go. Our friends who were hosting have a son Ted's age and, honestly, we sucked it up and went so they could play together (again, sorry friends hosting the BBQ, but we've become hermits).I used to love gatherings like this, now I really hate being in large groups. I stayed close to Jason. At some point I looked up and my sister, brother-in-law and kids were there?! I had just seen her the night before and she didn't even mention the BBQ. They had all been working and planning for months to give us this beautiful quilt everyone contributed to for Lily. They also brought items to donate to Ryan House, for families in need of pediatric hospice care. Jason and I had no words, just more tears. Again, something we will cherish forever to remind us how much everyone loves our sweet Lily. 

My heart was so was exactly what we needed at that exact moment we needed it. 

And, of course there is this sweet boy, who fills my heart with so much joy I can barely contain it. I am so thankful that he will know his sister through all these amazing keepsakes. As much as our hearts ache these last few weeks, we are constantly reminded how blessed we are with the love and generous spirit of family and friends. 

"Thank you" is no where near enough.


  1. We love Lily...she will always be all of those in your lives.

  2. What lovely pictures of you and your family with Lily. Continued prayers...

  3. Just came across your blog. I'm sending love and prayers to your family. You are so brave and it sounds like you have an amazing support system. Sending you all the strength, mama.

  4. Love you, thinking of you a lot lately, and praying for that sweet family of yours. What beautiful, beautiful quilts! Your aunt and friends are so talented. Hope to see you soon. xoxo

  5. Every blog you write is beautiful Kellie and I always cry. I am always praying for you and your family and especially baby Lily. Please, if you need anything just FB me :)