Perfect peace

35 weeks...

There are days where this all feels like a cruel joke. Lily flips and turns and literally shakes my whole being with how strong she is. How is it possible that in six weeks or less that will all go away? 

This morning Ted was sitting on my lap drinking his milk and Lily was going crazy jumping around! She was actually lifting Ted up! How can she be so strong inside of me and most likely not survive more than a few hours outside of me? 

We've known of Lily's diagnosis for 16 weeks now and honestly, it still doesn't seem real. 

Around 32-33 weeks, I finally started showing. I was so heartbroken by my small belly, desperately wishing she would grow as she should, but now people comment and ask questions and I wish I could be more invisible again.

Ted and I were at the grocery store today and the lady in the checkout asked me how much longer..."Six weeks," I say.

"Wow! You are tiny!" Immediately tears start to sting my eyes. I'm not tiny, my baby is. 

Or it's someone asking about the age difference between Ted and Lily..."18 months," I say.

"Wow! You are going to have your hands full!" Tears sting my eyes again. But I'm not going to have my hands full. 

I would give anything to have my hands full.

Nesting when you have a fatal diagnosis looks a lot different. 

With Ted, I was busy cleaning out our house, decorating his room, organizing all the bins of toys, clothes, diapers, installing a car seat, etc. I exercised every day, spent time with friends, full of the "pregnancy glow" I had longed for forever. 

With Lily, I am just praying I've thought of every single way to preserve every single moment we have with her. 

We almost have all of our "To-Dos" completed. It brings a mixture of peace, sorrow and still disbelief.

Our To-Do's:
1. Contact Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
2. Hand/Foot molds and ornament provided by String of Pearls
3. A few hand-made outfits from two of the sweetest Etsy shops (Pearly Pea and Sew Delighted Boutique)
4. Build-a-Bear with Lily's heartbeat for Ted
5. Banner with her name for pictures and Ted's room
6. Scheduled family pictures
7. A crocheted blanket made by one of my dearest friends
8. A prayer shawl my aunt sent me made by women from her school
9. Knit (many) beanies to go with her sweet outfits
10. Get Ted a "big brother" t-shirt

Amidst all of these To-Do's, I am constantly praying I won't have any regrets. 

Jason and I have been praying for peace throughout all this and for the most part, we have felt it. We keep asking God that we will be at peace with when she is born, how she is born, who is there, how long we get with her. 

My mind keeps wanting to be more specific with my prayers, but I know the most important thing is for Jason and I to feel God's peace and know that no matter what, she is perfect and she will come to us in His own perfect way.

35 weeks with Lily