Friday, September 5, 2014

Still a miracle

I wake up every day terrified and grateful. Terrified that today is going to be the day I have to say goodbye to my daughter. Grateful that it's not that day yet. Grateful to have one more day of kicks, rolls and hiccups.

Yes, hiccups! 

Something that most women (myself included) take for granted in pregnancy. I was never sure I could even feel Ted's hiccups. I distinctly remember at one of Ted's ultrasounds the tech telling me he could see the baby hiccuping and asking me if I could feel it. I believe I lied and said, "yes". I honestly couldn't feel anything or tell the difference between a kick and a hiccup.

But with Lily...this sweet little girl seems to know exactly what her mama needs and exactly when she needs it. 

Every OB appointment is gut-wrenching and emotional. It always feels like we are hearing Lily's diagnosis for the first time. It never gets easier to hear it. Jason and I stress the whole weekend before. The day of the appointment I try to pay extra close attention to feeling Lily move, for fear that we will go in and be told her heart stopped. 

Our 31 week appointment was no different. I worried all day...all the moments in between her sweet kicks. Jason and I drove to the appointment in silence like we always seem to do. The anxiety and nerves really kick in as we sit and wait for the nurse to call our name. As we are sitting there, Lily relieves some of my fear and anxiety and she starts rolling and kicking.

But these kicks are different...not quite as strong and they have a rhythm. I told Jason that I thought she might have the hiccups! (One complication that can arise from Anencephaly is having an excess of amniotic fluid. This can happen because the babies don't know how to swallow the fluid. It can cause complications in the pregnancy including preterm labor.

Jason and I always get really emotional when we hear Lily's heartbeat. It is always so strong, so steady. But this time, also mixed with a different rhythm. Even our midwife could hear it...hiccupsDo you know why hiccups are so amazing when you are pregnant? It's a sign that your baby has the ability to swallow. 

Just knowing that Lily may be able to swallow and hiccup like other babies brought an overwhelming sense of peace. 

It reminded me that no matter what, her life is a miracle. 

People tell me (and often times I am reminding myself when Ted's on one of his daredevil missions) what a precious gift Ted is to us and how he is helping us get through this difficult time. While I appreciate it, and as I said, tell myself this, I feel like it can diminish Lily's worth. Ted is our miracle and so is Lily. I am grateful for Ted and for Lily.

She is worth every second of our sorrow and grief. She is worth every tear. Worth every contraction and minute of labor. Worth every lonely night and broken-hearted night that I don't get to hold her in my arms. In fact, her worth is why we grieve. I love Ted with every ounce of my being and my love for Lily is the same. My heart aches all day long when I think that I don't get to keep her. When I think about Ted growing up without his sister, I have such a heavy heart.

She is our miracle no matter how long we get with her...whether 5 minutes, 5 hours or 50 years. She is a miracle, created in God's own image and likeness. 

She is a miracle. She is my miracle.

I love this onesie found here :)

Some pictures of the dare devil in action.
Love him to pieces...
despite the number of times a day he makes my heart stop.

1 comment:

  1. Worth it indeed! No child is an accident, no matter the way they were conceived, no matter their medical condition, no mater, each child has their purpose and Lily's is a great one. She's teaching so many of us how to love our little ones even deeper than we ever could imagined. And Ted, he's going to have an amazing story to tell, about his brave little sister who taught us all so much.