Now here we are...20 weeks along with Lily. I still feel the accomplishment of pregnancy, but my joy is replaced with anxiousness and tears. We are half way there...half way to meeting our daughter and most likely, half way to letting her go.
I can get through the day by day. Ted is a great distracter. :) But when I think about the day to come, tears immediately roll down my face. I am overcome with the sorrow. I feel so weak and broken. How are we ever going to do this? How am I going to get through labor? I remember in our birth class for Ted, the instructor reminding us that every contraction means we are that much closer to meeting our baby. I told myself and Jason told me over and over (and over and over and over for 45 hours) until we met Ted.
It has such a different meaning to me now. Each contraction...is one contraction closer...to seeing our sweet girl...and most likely saying goodbye to her.
Many people might wonder why go through this? Why put ourselves through the next 20 weeks knowing our daughter's most likely fate? Some have said how brave and courageous we are to go on. But the truth is...Jason and I made this choice well before I even became pregnant. We made this decision when we took a vow before God and 250 witnesses that we would lovingly accept children. All children. Any child. No matter what.
It's not hard for me to choose her life. It's not hard for me to choose to love her. It's hard to think about letting go of her. But, would it make it any easier to let go of her now? If anything I think it would be more pain, more sorrow, more grief.
What parent wouldn't want five more months with their child? What parent wouldn't hold on to every last ounce of hope for a miracle?
Our little Lily, despite her diagnosis, is strong. She lets me know every day that she is a fighter. I started to really feel Ted around 19 weeks. Every night when I would lay down to sleep the somersaults would begin. I loved every second of it. Lily is no different. If anything, she has an even stronger will. I feel her move and kick all day long at 20 weeks. At 20 weeks, her kicks are so strong Jason can feel her. We are beyond thankful for that gift...a gift we would have missed if we did not choose her life.
I couldn't imagine giving that up for anything in the world. She is ours forever even though she will only be with us here a short time.
I am terrified when I think ahead to her birth. I'm afraid of how hard labor will be. I'm afraid she won't be born alive. I'm afraid she will and I will have to let her go. When these thoughts roll through my head and I get overwhelmed with the fear, the anxiety, the pain, I think about her sweet kicks. I remember the midwife telling me that her heartbeat is so strong. Our precious girl reminds me with her kicks, with her heartbeat to be strong.
So we put everything in God's hands. The labor. The birth. Our sweet daughter. We put it all in God's hands and pray for the peace to accept whatever He gives us. I can do all things through Him. I've never clinged to those words more...
Today we went to the zoo for a picnic breakfast and the Splash Pad.