Currently {14}: It Is Well

Thinking about: Ted's 18 month well visit. We just had his 15 month visit...happy, sweet, healthy, perfect 15 month old. I couldn't even go to the desk after the visit to make our next appointment. Lily's due date is October 27th...Ted is 18 months on October 26th. Three more months with my Lily girl in my belly. When I think about how quickly three months can pass, the anxiety takes over. I think about all of those "To-Do's" again and I can't even breathe. I have accomplished some though and each one comes with it's own set of tears and still feelings of disbelief. I think, this cannot be our reality.

I've picked out some sweet outfits from this adorable Etsy site. I've made several beanies and bought more yarn to make more. I get pretty crazy when I'm in "beanie making mode" and I must say it's worse this time. Of course, I want it to be perfect and just right, but I don't know when she will be here, so I am making an assortment of different sized beanies. I've contacted Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to do photos and String of Pearls for a memory kit. I've bought stuff to make a banner for family pictures and to hang in Ted's room. Still, with all of these things, I still find it hard to believe what we are (most likely) preparing for and it still just seems so...impossible.

Reading: It Is Well: Life in the Storm. It has taken me awhile to pick up this book. My dear friend, Chris Faddis wrote it about his deceased wife's battle with cancer. I know the story, I watched it all unfold, but something kept me from picking it up when it first came out. I read it last week and can honestly say I've thought every thought and felt every feeling that Chris and Angela have felt. In many ways a terminal pregnancy diagnosis is a lot like a terminal cancer diagnosis. It's unimaginable. Angela was in her early 30's and took very good care of herself. I've had a very healthy pregnancy despite our diagnosis. You cling to hope, but at the same time forced to face reality. You beg God for a miracle, but you make plans just in case. You get angry, you get sad, you feel weak and helpless and you scream at God and wonder why this is happening to you. But amidst all of those emotions...you feel God's tremendous grace pour over you. As impossible as it feels, somehow it is possible to make it through this storm. Angela is in God's presence and as many of us believe, "It is all joy." While we pray and beg for a miracle, we face the reality that Lily will (most likely) join her. As much as my heart aches, my ultimate goal for my children is for them to be amidst, "all the joy." 

Thankful for: So much. As awful and painful as this is, I am constantly reminded of how blessed we are. My sweet, sensitive husband is absolutely amazing. I had no idea how sensitive Jason was until I walked up the aisle to him on our wedding day to see tears running down his face. He's a real man and he is not afraid to show me when he is broken. We are already a stronger unit because of Lily's diagnosis and we keep getting better. We face these trials and we face them together. For that I am beyond grateful.

We also have this sweet, silly, snugly 15 month old boy!! It is such a strange feeling to be so full of sorrow and so full of joy all at the same time. Ted is pure joy though. I feel like I say it a lot, but I don't ever want to forget what a blessing he is to us. It's impossible to not smile and laugh when you are with him. He doesn't make us forget, it's impossible to forget, but he does show us that we continue to not just survive, but we can thrive through this part of our life in the storm.