Impossible

24 weeks. Another milestone week. This one hurts even more than 20 weeks. There should be a sense of relief. 24 weeks means if a baby is born early their chance of surviving increases every single day after 24 weeks. We should be looking for another crib, sorting through baby clothes, or making a new newborn "must-have" list, but instead...my list consists of a bunch of "to-do's" I still can't even imagine having "to-do".

Jason, Ted and I spent an amazing long 4th of July weekend in San Diego with great friends. They were exactly what we needed them to be. They entertained, gave us time to ourselves, asked about Lily, and most importantly told us that they were praying for us. 

It was a blissful week. Ted is an absolute joy right now, showing us his personality more and more every day. He's adventurous, he's non-stop, and he loved every second of being in San Diego...unless someone took his ball from him. ;-)

We spent time with friends, talking and relaxing. 

We took Ted to the beach and waterfront park.

We went to Balboa park to ride the carousel and train and visit the Botanical Gardens.

We went to Seaport Village to watch the boats and kites. ;-)

We snuck in a date night to Coronado Island.

It really was wonderful, but the whole time there was this feeling lingering. A lingering fear of going back to our reality. 

On most vacations, Jason is "ready to go home". This time he wasn't and I wasn't ready either. We were both really quiet on the ride home. That lingering "to-do" list kept popping up in the back of my mind and whenever I think of it, I immediately start to cry.

That to-do list I don't want to do. I don't even know where to begin or how. But at the same time, I don't want to look back on this time with her and have any regrets. I don't want to wish I had done more or done something differently. 

I want to be able to tell Ted as he grows up that we cherished every single moment we had with Lily. I want to tell him all the things we did together for our little girl and his little sister. It just seems impossible though.

In my mind, I see Lily with her brother"s sweet chubby cheeks. I can't imagine a day when I won't get to kiss them. I don't want to think about saying goodbye to those cheeks. I don't want to make plans for "our only memories" of her. So impossible.

My sweet Lily girl, I love you so much. In my dreams, I imagine you with the same squishy kissable cheeks your brother has. I want to hold you in my arms and have you fall asleep feeling your sweet breathe on my chest.  I want to kiss those sweet cheeks and never let go.

I want to see you napping with your daddy on the couch watching baseball. I want you to giggle at your silly big brother. I want to see Ted patting you on the back and smothering you with kisses.

I want you to spend your first Christmas in Iowa meeting all of your cousins who love you so much. I want to see you smile and see if you keep those same squishy cheeks like he has. I want to have all of your first moments and never think about how we will spend your last. 

Whenever I think about not having these moments with you I can't breathe. My eyes sting from the tears. When I think about ever having to let you go...I simply can't imagine it. I can't imagine our life without you in it. 

My heart is always aching and I am waiting for someone to wake me up from this dream. The idea of losing you is impossible, it's simply unimaginable. 

That's what people keep saying to me. "I can't imagine what you are going through." Truthfully, I can't imagine it either. I honestly can't imagine ever letting go of you. When I feel your strong kicks, I can't imagine you ever letting go either. You are so strong, Lily girl...so much stronger than your mommy.

I know in my heart God has a plan for you. I know in my heart that you will only know love in this world. This brings me so much peace and breaks my heart all at the same time. You are so loved, sweet girl. So loved by so many. 

My sweet Lily Frances, you will never know how much I love you...

24 weeks with Lily Frances