Waiting game

30 Weeks - A fresh batch of nervousness and anxiousness has come over me lately. I think back to being 30 weeks pregnant with Ted. I was on my way to Iowa to celebrate with family and friends our upcoming arrival. My wonderful aunts threw me a shower and my sweet Iowa girls threw me another. It was a wonderful weekend of family and friends and celebration. I was starting to get "uncomfortable" with my pregnancy. Swollen ankles...seriously, they are my least favorite part of pregnancy. I can handle the growing belly, even the stretch marks, but nothing made me feel grosser than "kanckles"...ugh.

With Lily, I honestly barely even feel pregnant. My belly hasn't grown nearly as much as it should. If you don't know me and know that I am pregnant, you may just think I have a "perpetual gut". There was a time I would have been thrilled to not gain much pregnancy weight. Now it just means my little girl isn't growing like she should. I look down at my small belly and I can barely see past the tears. But, even though she is little, she is mighty! Her kicks are stronger than Ted's ever were. :)

I'm anxious and nervous all the time. Every slight ache in my stomach I feel may be the start of labor. There are days where I just want her to be here...to get to the next stage of grief and suffering. But, then I will wake up in the morning and worry for hours until I feel her move. I'm not ready, but at the same time, sometimes I just want it "to be over". 

I hate thinking that or saying it out loud, but it's true. (I have promised to be honest in case anyone else reading this is going through something similar. There is no right or wrong emotion or feeling.) I know in my heart it will never "be over". No matter what, I will think of Lily every day and miss her terribly. But this waiting game...it can really take its toll on your heart, your emotions and shatter all your hope. With Ted, there was anxiety, but it was minimal compared to our excitement to meet him. When my water broke with Ted, there was a slight panic, but then the rush of adrenaline because I knew it meant we would get to meet our baby soon, and...we would get to take him home.

I can't wait to meet Lily. To see her, to hold her in my arms, to examine her every little detail. To see if she has her brother's sweet cheeks. But I also walk in a shadow of fear for this moment. I'm afraid she won't be born alive. I'm just as afraid that she will be and I will have to watch her stop breathing. I can't stop thinking about the moment they will take her away from us and I will have to leave the hospital with empty arms.

To feel so helpless and hopeless is not in my nature. 

So, we continue to pray. As much as we try to prepare for our reality, we also beg God for a miracle. We pray for peace every day...that we will be at peace with her birth, her life, with however long we have with our sweet Lily girl. We do this, because honestly, it's all we have.

27 weeks on the left with Ted, 30 weeks on the right with Lily