Summers in Iowa

Iowa has always been my happy place, but even more so in this past year. When I return to the home of my childhood, I feel a peace I don't often feel these days. The world moves a lot slower, which is good, because Jason and I feel stuck in a place that refuses to move forward, when everyone else seems to be racing ahead. 

In my perfect world we would spend our full summer in Iowa, June to August. Hopefully that can be a reality someday. I would love for Ted to experience a true Iowa summer, from camping in June, RAGBRAI in July, and all the way to the fair in August. Until then, we just get a two week slice of heaven in June.

This year, Ted and I went for two weeks and Jason joined us for the end of our trip with our annual camping weekend with my sweet Iowa girls. It always flies by way too fast and I start missing it before we even leave. 

It was my third trip home without Lily and I thought it would be a little easier this time, but honestly it was the hardest trip of all without her. I recently shared with some friends that it's harder now because I can spot a baby her age without even asking. (I don't ask anymore because I fear the answer.) Lily would have been seven months when we were there. She would have been crawling and scooting all around. She would have been in the baby carrier with me while Ted went on all the rides with his cousins. She would have been passed around to every aunt at the wedding and everyone would have gushed over the sweet dress I picked out for her. I thought it would get easier, but each day I am reminded of what is missing.

Despite the ache in my heart missing Lily, we still had a wonderful trip. That's what's so surreal...I can miss Lily with tears in my eyes, but a smile on my face watching Ted with all his sweet cousins. During the first week, Ted got his first hair cut in a savvy salon, went to Adventureland (twice!), danced until he dropped at my cousin's wedding, splashed with cousins, showed off his awesome swimming skills, and played some more with his sweet cousins.

The second part of our trip was just as fun when Jason arrived! We went to an Iowa Cubs game, more splash pads and my favorite weekend of the whole year, camping in Anamosa with my sweet friends. These beautiful ladies mean so much to me and our friendship just gets better and better as each year passes, we are a fine wine of friends. The weekend always fly by and before we even leave town, I find myself counting the days until I get to see these beautiful faces. I love these women for always loving me from afar. They have been such a rock for me as I miss my daughter and walk this foreign path of grief. I know that I can always count on them for a great hug, a belly full of laughs, even with tears in my eyes. 

Again, though, this was a tough trip and I was really missing Lily. I could picture her crawling and scooting all over the grass, loving the water, and laughing at how silly the big kids were acting. I overheard one of the big kids saying that it was the first year without a new baby...but the truth is, it wasn't. Lily was the new baby, she just wasn't there with us. It's moments like these that have me begging for answers. Why? Why didn't she get to be there? Why do I have to understand this type of loss? I miss her. I miss her so much and it doesn't matter where I physically am, either Iowa or Arizona, I am constantly aware that my daughter is missing. I am constantly aware that things are not as the should be.

But somehow, we continue to move forward...not onward or over, but forward. And moving forward is hard and slow. 

Four months (How it should be)

Ted and I made a trip to Iowa this past month so I could go on girls' weekend with my dear friends. It was exactly what I needed.

I love these ladies so much. I've known each one of them since high school. It's amazing to have friends like this. In high school we were so silly and naive. We dealt with teenage angst and broken hearts. We all went on to different things after high school...some of us had a four year plan, some of us didn't, but we all danced to the beat of our own drum.

At one point we all lived in different states and didn't see each other very often. Almost 8 years ago we started our annual camping weekend. This one weekend a year has bonded us more than I ever could have imagined. 

I adore these ladies.

I love to laugh with these ladies and I know I can cry with them too. I needed this weekend so much. For a brief fleeting moment, I almost felt like the me I used to be. Almost.

But the truth is, even on this wonderful weekend laughing with my favorite Iowa girls and Ted getting another chance to know his cousins...all I can think about is how it should be.

As great as it was to have my parents watch Ted for the weekend, all I could think about was that I should be making this trip with Lily...a girls' weekend with my baby girl and Ted should be having a boys' weekend with his dad. 

And the truth is, this isn't a thought that just pops up on the 12th of every month...it happens every single moment of every single day. 

I think about how it should be all the time. It hasn't gotten any easier, in fact, it's harder than I ever imagined it would be. I miss her more today than I did four months ago. 

I think about all the milestones that she's missed. When Ted was four months old, he was rolling over, sleeping through the night, and full of smiles and coos. And then I realize once again, I don't get any of these moments with Lily. I don't get to see her chest rise and fall as she peacefully slumbers in my arms. I don't get to cheer her on for those sweet moments of accomplishment and new discovery. Worst of all, I miss those smiles and coos I will never get to see. 

I think about what Ted would be like with her. He's talking and babbling and such a toddler now. He squeezes and kisses his "Lily Bear". When I think about how it should be...how Ted should be giving kisses and squeezes to his sister and not a bear. How he should be fighting for my attention, not getting me all to himself. How I should have a million pictures of them together instead of a scattered few from the hospital and her funeral.

How she should be in my arms instead of being able to write this blog. She should be rolling over, laughing at her brother. She should be resting in her dad's arms right now. 

How it should be...every minute of every day I think of how it should be...how she should be nestled in her mother's arms, instead of my arms aching without her.

How it should be...I shouldn't have to miss her at all. 

Almost Perfect

It's the most wonderful time of the year! I love the Advent/Christmas season...usually. I love the way the Church looks with lights and decorations. I usually love picking out the perfect gifts for everyone I love. I usually love annual gatherings, galas and parties.

This year was obviously hard. I knew it would be. Christmas Eve was exactly six weeks since Lily was born sleeping. I knew it would be difficult, but I just didn't realize how difficult it would be.

I tried to care about Christmas presents, but honestly, I couldn't do it. I went to my obligatory parties, but wanted to leave within minutes. I decorated the house, but it didn't fill me with my usual Christmas cheer. 

We had a quiet Christmas Eve and I loved that. We went to Mass at our Church and I felt so much peace despite how much my heart was hurting. In the quiet moments of the Mass I can't help but think what it would be like to be wrestling Ted AND have a newborn. I hate that I don't know the answer to that. And I miss her.

The theme of Advent at our parish was "10,000 Reasons for Gratitude". Every family was supposed write three things they were grateful for everyday during Advent. By Christmas, there would be over 10,000 reasons throughout the parish.

We didn't do the best at keeping up with our list, but just seeing it on the fridge reminded me everyday how grateful I am. I am sad, angry and missing my daughter every single moment of every single day, but I am grateful that I get the chance to miss her. 

They played Matt Maher's version of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" and there's one part that made my heart sing thinking of Lily:

"And the angels they sing,

And the Heavens they ring,

Won't you raise up your voice

To the Son of the King"

I've never heard this Christmas song quite like this before...I know with all my heart Lily was rejoicing in the Heavens. I know she is praying for me. How do I know? Because there is no other way to survive this type of loss. It's impossible to breathe in and out without the faith of knowing she is helping me through this.

We left for Iowa on Christmas Day. (FYI - it's a great day to travel with a toddler.) My family does Christmas BIG...so big we have to rent a hall to hold everyone. I love it. I love that it grows every year with new fiances and new babies. I love how loud and joyful my family is. I normally hate to miss it, but this year we did. I didn't want to be overwhelmed all at once and mostly, I just didn't want to be there if Lily wasn't with me. I guess I wanted both of us to miss her first Christmas.

I was so happy to be home though and so thankful for that big and loud and wonderful family. We had lots of gatherings...I would say small gatherings, but that's never possible with my family. ;)

The most special part of our trip was getting to celebrate Lily with everyone. I know every single one of them wishes they could have been with us when Lily was born and after. But it just wasn't possible. One of my cousins asked me if it would be okay to have a Mass said for Lily at the Church where I grew up. It was so special! There were nearly 50 family and friends who showed up for Lily's Mass. It meant so much to celebrate Lily with all of our family and friends in Iowa. 

We spent the rest of the week soaking up time with family and squeezed in a few visits with friends. Ted got to play with all of his little cousins and they were so excited to see "Ted from Arizona".

All in all, it was almost perfect...as close as perfect gets when you are missing your daughter. I don't think we will ever have a perfect Christmas again, but I'll take a few more "almost perfect" ones...