Here and There (Six Months)

Six months and Mother's Day...a double whammy. Everyone knows what joy a six month old baby brings. It's that magical age where they are no longer a newborn and their personality starts to shine. They smile and laugh and babble and coo. They scoot and crawl and explore their world around them and I have to miss all of it. 

Ted is so attached to Jason right now. All he wants is his daddy. He wants Jason to give him a bath, read him stories and hold him for bedtime prayers. I love how much he loves his dad, but it makes my arms ache all the more. If Lily were here, I would want and need him to be with his dad more. I would be grateful for that bond. But she's not here...and all it does is remind me that it shouldn't be this way. 

My arms ache for her. every. single. day. It doesn't matter what day of the week it is or if it's the 12th, 15th or 29th day of the month. I miss her every single day. I want her in my arms. I want to see her eyes, hear her voice, and watch her grow. I am missing every single moment that should be.

Someone asked me if Mother's Day was hard and my response was it was weird. Not particularly good or bad, just weird.

On Saturday, my dear friend's mom who lost her daughter years ago took me out for breakfast. It was such a joy to visit with her, to share Lily with her and hear about her precious Marie. It's been many years and she still gets emotional talking about her. Oddly, that gives me peace. I don't ever want to "get over" Lily. I don't ever want to stop missing her or longing for her. Knowing there is someone else who has made it through this grief is comforting and inspiring. I cherish these moments of sharing with other mothers who know our loss. 

On Sunday we went to Mass as we always do. We got there a little early and one by one three seasoned mothers, all who have lost a child, sat near us. I have known these women for 13 years and I have always been in awe of their faith. They are models for me in living this life as a Christian wife, mother, sister, and friend. When I think of what kind of family life I strive for, I look to them. When we first learned of Lily's diagnosis, each one of them sought me out to let me know they were praying for us. Since Lily was born sleeping, each one of them checks in with me regularly. They get it, they are living it, and they know it doesn't matter how much time passes. Just before Mass, one leaned over, grabbed my hand and simply said, "Here and there. That's where we are... somewhere between here and there. I have one up there too." 

The feeling that has been overwhelming me lately is how unworthy I feel to be counted among these amazing women, to join the club none of us ever wanted to join. I am so unworthy of being a mother of a saint and I am in complete awe that God would entrust Lily to me. I am honored to be her mother, to experience a love so intense, and to get glimpses of Heaven that before I only dreamed of seeing. 

I feel so out of place, like I don't belong or fit anywhere. So for now, I am here and there, just like she said. Cherishing every single sweet moment with Ted on Earth and longing for glimpses and moments with Lily in Heaven. One could never replace the other, so instead, I continue this walk I never imagined taking, with one foot on Earth and one foot in Heaven.

Happy six months, Lily girl...mommy misses you so much.

Perfect peace

35 weeks...

There are days where this all feels like a cruel joke. Lily flips and turns and literally shakes my whole being with how strong she is. How is it possible that in six weeks or less that will all go away? 

This morning Ted was sitting on my lap drinking his milk and Lily was going crazy jumping around! She was actually lifting Ted up! How can she be so strong inside of me and most likely not survive more than a few hours outside of me? 

We've known of Lily's diagnosis for 16 weeks now and honestly, it still doesn't seem real. 

Around 32-33 weeks, I finally started showing. I was so heartbroken by my small belly, desperately wishing she would grow as she should, but now people comment and ask questions and I wish I could be more invisible again.

Ted and I were at the grocery store today and the lady in the checkout asked me how much longer..."Six weeks," I say.

"Wow! You are tiny!" Immediately tears start to sting my eyes. I'm not tiny, my baby is. 

Or it's someone asking about the age difference between Ted and Lily..."18 months," I say.

"Wow! You are going to have your hands full!" Tears sting my eyes again. But I'm not going to have my hands full. 

I would give anything to have my hands full.

Nesting when you have a fatal diagnosis looks a lot different. 

With Ted, I was busy cleaning out our house, decorating his room, organizing all the bins of toys, clothes, diapers, installing a car seat, etc. I exercised every day, spent time with friends, full of the "pregnancy glow" I had longed for forever. 

With Lily, I am just praying I've thought of every single way to preserve every single moment we have with her. 

We almost have all of our "To-Dos" completed. It brings a mixture of peace, sorrow and still disbelief.

Our To-Do's:
1. Contact Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
2. Hand/Foot molds and ornament provided by String of Pearls
3. A few hand-made outfits from two of the sweetest Etsy shops (Pearly Pea and Sew Delighted Boutique)
4. Build-a-Bear with Lily's heartbeat for Ted
5. Banner with her name for pictures and Ted's room
6. Scheduled family pictures
7. A crocheted blanket made by one of my dearest friends
8. A prayer shawl my aunt sent me made by women from her school
9. Knit (many) beanies to go with her sweet outfits
10. Get Ted a "big brother" t-shirt

Amidst all of these To-Do's, I am constantly praying I won't have any regrets. 

Jason and I have been praying for peace throughout all this and for the most part, we have felt it. We keep asking God that we will be at peace with when she is born, how she is born, who is there, how long we get with her. 

My mind keeps wanting to be more specific with my prayers, but I know the most important thing is for Jason and I to feel God's peace and know that no matter what, she is perfect and she will come to us in His own perfect way.

35 weeks with Lily

Ted Picks - 9 months

In case anyone is keeping track, I know I am a little late on this...like a month and day late. Part is there is so much to share, part is not enough time to share it! Ted is so active now and doesn't always think he needs naps, so that leaves less and less time for bloggin'. :)

A reminder of some of Ted's six month favorites...

And my newborn favorites...

He still has some of his same favorites, but has moved on to some more "sophisticated" toys.

Ted Picks - 9 Months

1. Sophie the Giraffe - Doesn't it just seem so ridiculous that this is so popular? I mean, why couldn't I come up with it? It's a squeaky giraffe made out of something organic and because it's organic you can get away with selling it for $22. But, there's something about this giraffe that Ted just loves. He kicks and squeals with delight when I give it to him...mostly during car rides.

2. Indestructible Books - I honestly wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it with my own eyes. These books are amazing! They are chew-proof, rip-proof, non-toxic and washable. Ted has a lot of board books too, but I hate thinking of "where the book goes" when he gnaws on the corner. I'm pretty sure that is not great for infant digestion. Ted can chew on these books, crinkle them, basically destroy them and it is still in tact. Amazing! 

3. Baby Wipes Container - This is one of those "sophisticated" toys I was talking about. Seriously, he does not need any other toys if he has his wipes. I'm talking the cheapest, travel size wipe container. It makes the most wonderful crinkly/crunching noise that entertains him for several minutes on end. This makes diaper changes slightly more doable. Ted on the changing table...whole different story, whole different blog.

4. Fisher Price Wagon - I scored a similar wagon from someone who was cleaning out their kid's toys. They don't even sell the wagon Ted has. Doesn't matter that it's not the "cool kid's wagon", he absolutely loves it. He can sit and take every single block out, try to eat it, set it down and move on the the next. Sometimes if he's really lucky, his dad will take him for a little ride around the house in his wagon. 

5. Dog toys - Another "sophisticated" toy. As you may well imagine there can be quite a bit of confusion when it comes to dog/baby toys...for the baby and for the dog. Charlie really is a good sport. He's given in to letting Ted play with his toys, but if Ted drops one, Charlie scoops in real quick and moves his toy away from Ted. We have this activity blanket that has a squeaker in it and it drives Charlie crazy every time Ted steps on it. Charlie has tried to dig it out and drag the blanket with Ted on it in the front room. When we first brought Ted home, Charlie used to offer trades. He would put his toy in Ted's car seat in exchange for one of his toys. 

6. Activity Walker - My parents sent this to Ted for Christmas and he loves it. Lots of fun things to play with and we've seen him take a few steps with it!

7. Baby Einstein mp3 - Ted loves things that make sounds now. He takes this to his friend Bridget's house and she teaches how to dance. Seriously, it's the cutest!

8. Activity Cube - This was another awesome score we got from someone cleaning out their kid's toys. I LOVE wooden toys. This is in great condition, it will last forever and best of all, Ted loves it! It is also the perfect size for him to stand up with and he really loves that.

9. WubbaNub - Last, but certainly not least, especially in Ted's eyes is his beloved WubbaNub. It's been quite the evolution of WubbaNubs. We started with just one cute little Mango Monkey WubbaNub...Charlie ate it. (Remember the confusion of dog/baby toys?) I replaced it with two Mango Monkeys J.I.C. Charlie did not learn his lesson. We lost one and let me tell you that was one miserable drive home. So, I decided to buy another so we would always have a replacement. I went on Amazon (because it would have been way too easy to drive to Buy Buy Baby and get one) and picked out the super cute elephant. Buuuuut...I can't just buy one thing on Amazon, mostly because I have a serious aversion to paying for shipping. I will spend $35 extra just to SAVE $8 in shipping (ahem...Toms sale on Zulily). So anyways, I bought Ted the cute little elephant and cute little giraffe WubbaNub. Yes, now he has three. And he loves them. All. Of. Them. He sleeps with all three and seriously it's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

While he likes all his toys, his favorite thing to do is crawl from room to room to room just exploring. It brings me so much joy just to see the awe and amazement he can find in the simplest things. I hope he never loses that sense of wonder. It is the most precious thing.

His newest tricks are clapping, saying "dada, dada, dada", laughing like crazy when he gets tickled and torturing Charlie by stealing his toys and not playing "fetch" :)

And while he loves crawling from room to room to room, he shrieks in sheer delight when his "dada" comes home from work. I thought it was the best when he just smiled at us, but now, when he can't even control his excitement for seeing his mama and dada, there is nothing else like it. There is truly no greater high that I could ever imagine. My heart almost bursts a million times a day when he smiles at me, shrieks with joy when I come home and snuggles up to me to nurse. 

I love every single second of being Ted's mom.

Currently {2}

Thinking about: How I should be cleaning my kitchen instead of blogging...

Reading: This and this. As we get closer to the idea and possibility of another baby, anxiety seems to set in regarding childbirth. My childbirth experience was less than my ideal. Don't get me wrong, I know that the most important thing is that Ted and myself are healthy. And thankfully, there were no serious complications. But, when you spent nine months preparing yourself not just for a vaginal birth, but a natural birth, it's a little heartbreaking to see all that preparation go straight out the door and straight into surgery without a chance to truly process what is happening. Nine months later and I still get emotional remembering how it all transpired. I think about what if's...what if I had changed doctors earlier?  What if I had a doula? What if we hadn't gone to the hospital so soon?  Again, I know what's most important, but after 45 hours of labor, serious sleep exhaustion, very raw emotional state and feeling like you have no choice anymore, it's hard to just get over it. If we have to have another c-section, I want to be better prepared and have a plan for both a natural birth or c-section.

Listening to: I don't really listen to music regularly. In the car, I listen to talk radio or Dave Ramsay...no, I'm not 64 years old. On Friday night, Jason and I had an impromptu game night with Scrabble, wine and some Pandora. It was fabulous! Jason has been getting into Springsteen after seeing him on Jimmy Fallon.

Watching: Speaking of Jimmy Fallon...I adore him. Thank goodness for Hulu! We usually catch up on Jimmy Fallon every few days. He is so stinkin' funny! I hope he's still "Jimmy" when he moves to the Tonight Show. 

Also, still watching Sister Wives. I know, I know...it's ridiculous, but I can't help it. I just watched one of the wives give birth at home and...I was B-A-W-L-I-N-G. Seriously, tears down my face. Not just the show that's ridiculous, I. AM. TOO. 

Thankful for: Beautiful weather. I know I talk about missing Iowa a lot, but I honestly do not miss it right now. I don't know if I could handle the bone-chilling temps they are facing in the midwest. It's been way below average in most of the country. I am extremely thankful to be in an area that is above average right now. Ted and I took a little 3 mile jog/walk yesterday and it was so wonderful!

And...this sweet boy is NINE MONTHS OLD! Every single day I am thankful for him. It is so amazing to watch him grow and see him learn new things every day. I love watching him play, seeing his face light up when his dad comes home and exploring our whole house...a million times a day. Pure, sweet bliss.

Ted Picks - Six Months

I can't believe we were here just over six months ago! I look back over the last six months and I can't help but feel so blessed that I get to be Ted's mom. It truly is the greatest gift I could ever receive. That does not mean it does not bring with it some serious exhaustion or moments where I feel like I am making all the wrong decisions. 

Then...I see this smile and I know we must be doing something right.

Ted has developed quite the personality the past few months! He is so fun now! He is always smiling and laughing. I would give anything to know what he is thinking sometimes.

He is my stubborn little man for sure! Sometimes I will try to give him his beloved WubbaNub if he's sleepy and he will start screaming and push it away. Then he picks it up himself and plops it in his mouth. Stubborn and so independent. Not sure where he gets it.

He's full on crawling!! Not just scooting and rolling about to and fro, but 

C-R-A-W-L-I-N-G!

 

Seriously, it's the cutest. He has to get himself all talked up for the big crawl, but once he's ready...he is off!

Way back here I wrote all about my favorite newborn items. Now it's not so much as what my favorite items are, but what are Ted's favorites.

So, here they are...

Ted's Picks 2013

1) The beloved WubbaNub - I love that Ted really loves this now! There is nothing cuter (albeit also stubborn) that he can pick it up himself and put it in his mouth. It also means we all sleep better at night because he can find it himself...unless it mysteriously gets launched out of the crib. Hmm... ;-)

2) Baby Einstein Piano - It doesn't really matter that it's Baby Einstein, it's more that it plays music. Ted really loves toys that light up or where he can push a button and hear music play. He doesn't even have this toy, but he makes a bee line for it when he goes to his friend Bridget's house.

3) Sophie the Giraffe - I didn't really get all the hype of Sophie at first. I bought Ted's on sale and just always put it in his car seat. He ignored it. Around 4 months he must have: a) noticed it was there b) realized he could pick it up and c) was on a mission to get all four legs in his mouth. He is well on his way to accomplishing this goal.

4) Infant Swim Class - Ted could be super grouchy, tired, teething, hungry...it really doesn't matter, but the minute I get out his swim trunks he gets all jazzed and excited! He knows where he is going. He gives out a super cute shout/shriek of joy when we pull in the parking lot of the swim place. The second he gets near the water he is kicking and splashing all around. He loves it and it tires him out! I linked to the place we are at now because they offer free lessons until 7 months and they start teaching Infant Swim Resource from the beginning. Ted has already learned to turn his head up when he goes under water! I know, I know what you are thinking...my son is a genius ;-)

*FYI - If you use us as a referral we both get credit towards future classes!

5) ERGObaby - We've tried other carriers...I've borrowed wraps and slings, and I can't seem to really get the hang of it. Nothing says "awkward new mom" like trying to tie a mile long cloth around you in an airport while your baby is screaming in your face, balancing a million carry-ons and everyone is staring at you and praying they are not sitting next to you on the flight. Soooo...I was pretty darn happy that my big baby could fit comfortably in the ERGO at about 3 1/2 months. He loves it and I love it because we get to shop for about 12 extra minutes.

6) Vtech Rhyme and Discover - This book is really cute and lights up and sings to him aaaand...he actually owns it. ;)

7) iPhone - I really should have listed this first...Ted could be swimming in a pool in the ERGO, with every single toy in the world at his fingers tips and he would STILL make a desperate mad dash for my phone if he sees it. In fact, just tonight he was nursing, saw my phone out of the corner of his eye and seriously jumped up and layed out for the snag. 

8) Baby Einstein Activity Jumper - I'm really only partial to this particular one because I scored it at our church's consignment sale for $15! It's in perfect condition and it keeps Ted entertained for all of 17 minutes...that's about 6 minutes longer than anything else. But again, if he saw the iPhone...I'm pretty sure he'd be diving bombing himself out of the jumper for the iPhone.

9) His mama :) Ted loves his toys, but honestly the way he smiles when I walk in the room or follows me with his eyes and now with his crawls tells me I'm still his favorite...maybe it's because I have the goods or maybe it's because it's my iPhone he covets. Either way, I don't really care because nothing can ruin my day when I hear that shriek of shear joy from my little man.

I know I keep saying this, but I can't help it...I'm just so in awe of this kid every single day. I have learned more about myself and the person I want to be in the last six months than I think in my whole life. I can't believe how lucky I am to be his mom. I know there are days that I feel like I might go crazy, but at some point in the craziness Ted seems to know to look up at me at just the right time and my heart just melts all over.

Be still my heart.

My Newborn Favorites

Ted is four months old! How did that happen?! We are well passed the newborn phase...

thank goodness! 

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the cuddles, the sweet newborn smell, sweet little newborn gowns. Seriously, adorable, but...the first three months were tough to say the least. We had a lot of nights like this one. 

The first few months are somewhat of a blur...sleepless nights, sleepless days, adjusting to nursing (ouch!), gassy baby which leads to screaming baby, overtired baby which also leads to screaming baby. 

Not sure what's wrong with baby, which also leads to screaming baby...and crying mother.

I love my son with all my heart and there is nothing that brings me more joy than being a mom, but it was a rough start for sure. 

Now we have found our stride! Nursing is awesome. I really love it. To any new moms or moms-to-be reading this, don't give up! The first few weeks are pretty awful, but it will get better! There are definitely times I wish my husband could help with the feeding more (usually around 2am), but I love the time with Ted. It's just us and I love that no one else has this relationship with him but me. 

He's getting on a pretty good schedule, both day and night. (Of course, now he probably won't sleep tonight!) 

He laughs, he babbles, he rolls all over the place. He absolutely melts my heart a million times a day. Those first three months are completely worth it and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat!

I did find a few items that were lifesavers for us...

Newborn Must Haves:

1. Sleep Sacks We had several different sleep sacks, but my two favorite are the Halo Sleep Sack Swaddle and the Original Woombie. I loved the Halo because you can swaddle their arms in or leave them out, but it still feels snug around their chest. We used this the first 4 weeks until his legs were too long. Then I discovered the Woombie. I love this product. We had some very difficult nights once he was strong enough to bust out of the swaddles, until I discovered this. He is swaddled, but can still move his arms as much as he wants. This will be a must have for all of our kids.

2. Sound Machine I'm not sure who likes this more, Jason or Ted. :) There are several different settings...white noise, heartbeat, nature, ocean, etc. When we first transitioned him to the crib, we set it on heartbeat. Now it's on nature...Jason says it's Ted's "favorite". We can hear it through the monitor :)

3. Sleep Books I've mentioned before that I read so much about childbirth, I forgot to read about when the baby is actually here! We had some rough days and nights until I read these two books. This book talks about baby only having a 90 minute wake time (at the most) from birth until about 3 months. It tells you cues to look for and to start soothing baby for nap time. Combine that with what Baby Wise teaches about getting baby on a schedule and the Woombie and we were ALL sleeping better!

4. Video Monitor We transitioned Ted to the crib around 5 weeks. I wanted him in with us longer, but none of us were getting any sleep. Any little sound or movement from Ted meant I was up and then Jason was up too. I love this video monitor. I love that we can still see him. It helps to "see" what kind of cry it is and whether it's just sleepy cry...eyes closed, or a real hungry/wet/get me up cry.

5. Aden + Anais Swaddle Blankets I pretty much LOVE every product from this company. These blankets are lightweight, get softer with every wash and are nice and big - perfect for swaddles! They are come in really cute prints! I have my eye on their Dream Blanket and Organic Easy Swaddles for the next babe.

6. Gripe Water Ted was pretty gassy the first few months and would get some pretty bad belly aches. Gripe water was the only thing that helped. A good friend recommended it and gave it to me at my baby shower. So happy because I had never heard of it! It would work within minutes...relieve his gas and calm him down. A definite must have!

7. Snot Sucker I have to admit, this really grossed me out when I first saw it, but my cousin swore by it, so we gave it a go. It works so much better than the bulb syringe! Plus, there is a filter, so you will not be swallowing any baby snot. ;-)

8. Snap & Go Stroller We have a jogger, but we use this the most. It is so easy to use and takes up minimal space. I use it for shopping and traveling the most.

9. Fisher Price Kick & Play Ted wasn't sold on the baby swing or the baby bouncer. He wanted to be held all the time. I love this babe so much, but sometimes you want to set them down for a few minutes. My friend had one of these and Ted loved it! He loves kicking his feet and when he kicks this it makes music. 

10. Boppy Nursing Pillow I used this more as a lounger to lay Ted on. When he was gassy or spitting up a lot I would prop him up on this for naps.

11. WubbaNub I think I want Ted to love this more than he actually does. He is not the biggest fan of the pacifier, he uses it every once in awhile if he is really tired and fussy, but once he's in his crib, he spits it out. He probably uses it more for teething now. But I am still hopeful he will love his Wubbanub!

12. Mother Love Nipple Cream&Nursing Pads There is quite a learning curve to nursing and A LOT to get used to. Long gone are the days of dresses and tanks with built in bras. Every outfit I have to ask, will I be able to nurse in this? On top of that, the first few weeks are brutal to say the least. Ted wanted to nurse all the time and it was very painful. It took several weeks to get used to it. These two products were a HUGE help. FYI, beware of any type of nursing cream ruining your tops! I learned the hard way. :-/
There are lots of great baby items out there, these just happen to be some of my favorites.

What are some of your newborn must haves?