There are some days I wake up and do all the normal things that a mom would do with her 20 month old son. We go on walks, we have play dates, we go to the park and build blocks. He naps, we go to the store, run errands, make dinner and get excited when Daddy comes home. There are some days when all of this feels and seems normal.
But most days it feels like something is missing. Most days there is a void in my heart that takes my breathe away. Most days I tell myself it's not supposed to be like this.
I try to do things I used to really enjoy. I go out with friends and have fun, laughing and talking and then it always hits me at some point...I shouldn't be able to stay out with friends because I should be going home to nurse my baby. I should be reading blogs and begging for tips on how to juggle a toddler and a newborn.
In mid-conversation, I stop and think about the way it should be. I usually daze off mid-conversation and all I can think about is Lily and how long it's been. Is anyone else thinking how absurd it is that I haven't held my daughter in two months?
Only two months. When you put it that way it doesn't seem like a lot of time. But when you add up all the late-night snuggles, baby breathes on my chest and coos I've missed, it feels like eternity.
Everyone says the holidays are harder than other times of the year, but I disagree. It's the day to day...the little insignificant moments that you miss the most. Not her first Christmas that she missed, but her sweet little, insignificant to everyone else, but milestones to me, that I miss.
The other night Jason and I were laying in bed. He was reading and I started crying (as I often do). He looked over and just said, "I miss her too."
We talk about Lily a lot, but it's usually me bringing her up. I think about her non-stop. I look down at my post-partum self and I'm constantly reminded. Of course I started crying even more when he said that. He doesn't have the same physical or hormonal reminders so I often think he's forgetting her.
So my tears kept flowing, but they were more so tears of gratitude. Grateful that we can talk about Lily, cry about missing our daughter and bring to life our sweet memories that we have.