Thursday, February 12, 2015

Three years and three months

"I cross my heart and promise to, give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true..."

Three years of wedded bliss. I love this man so much more today than I did three years ago. We aren't the same people we were three years ago, we aren't even the same people we were three months ago. But still, there is no one else I would ever want to do this with. He knows me, he loves me, he hurts just like me. 

We spent the weekend in Sedona thanks to some wonderful friends gifting us with a weekend away and some wonderful friends who offered to watch Ted. We ate yummy food, went hiking, played pickle ball (yes, yes...third anniversary, not 50th), drank wine, talked about Ted, cried about Lily, and just wasted time together. I loved it. I love doing nothing with him.

"And if along the way, we find a day, it starts to storm, you've got the promise of my love to keep you warm."

I remember days after hearing Lily's diagnosis, sitting down with our priest and he said, "I bet you didn't expect 'in sickness and in health' quite this soon." No, I didn't expect it quite so soon and I never imagined facing this with my daughter. If someone would have told me three years ago we would be mourning three months without our daughter on our third anniversary, I wouldn't have believed it even possible.
But, would it have changed anything? Not a chance. I am grateful for every single moment of the past three years. I am especially grateful for the past nine months. 

I miss Lily so much because I loved her so much. Not everyone gets the chance to love like this and I did. I am eternally grateful for her. There are moments of each day where this love makes you so angry because it's not fair you don't get to keep her. There are moments where this love makes you want to scream because no one understands your grief. There are moments that this love makes you want to lay in bed all day because you just realized there won't be anymore "new pictures". There are moments where all you can do is sob giant tears because this love makes you realize there was never going to be "enough time" with her.

"In all the world, you'll never find, a love as true as mine."


  1. She has such beautiful and perfect little hands. I'm getting married in May. It's a big decision and those words basically mean "Through anything". It's a sobering thought.

  2. Love this post so much. We're celebrating our four month anniversary this month and mourning the loss of our baby Ignatius in miscarriage...your paragraph on your love for Lily and how the deepest love sometimes gives the deepest pain spoke to me. Thanks for your witness of marriage and motherhood.