Grace, not strength

Up until one week ago, I naively believed I could never have a miscarriage. Not because I thought I had extra favor with God or anything. I believed that God knew I wasn't "strong enough" to handle it. That I was too weak and I would never be able to learn, grow or get passed something like this. How foolish was I? Like anyone would ever say, sure I'm strong enough to handle a tragedy like that...bring it on.

I've watched many friends suffer the loss of a child admiring their strength to carry through. Admiring their faith to still have complete trust and ability to surrender to God. They seemed so strong and brave. I would look at them and say, I have no idea how they are able to survive this...I would crumble. I would give up. 

I am sure if anyone had asked them in the moment if they felt strong, they would probably say they had never felt more weak, more broken, more vulnerable. When I first found out about Lily's condition, once I stopped sobbing and was able to say anything; my very first prayer was: God, please don't make me do this. Please just take her now. Don't make me endure the next five months knowing I am going to lose my daughter. 

Does that sound like the prayer of a strong woman? 

Now that I am in it, I realize my friends were not relying on strength. I don't think you could ever say any person is strong enough to handle something like this. I don't think anyone is built with the strength one would need to endure something like this. Nor do I believe in the old adage, "God only gives you what you can handle." (I apologize if this offends anyone who has said it to me, but I call BS on that sentiment right now.)

It's not strength, it's grace. I am broken-hearted. I am weak. I am not capable of carrying this cross. I don't think anyone is. But, I know now how my friends who have experienced similar loss have survived...it's grace. 

I did not think I would survive the first day after learning of Lily's condition. But, I did. Not by my own doing, but by the prayers, love and support of others. We have made it through an unimaginable week by the grace of God. As much as I feel alone right now, I know with all my heart my God is carrying us through this. I made it through with the smiles, giggles and snuggles of a sweet little boy. I made it through with the love of my amazing husband who tells me he loves me all day long and reminds me through his tears, we can do this. 

And then there is this sweet boy. Despite our heartache and sorrow, he brings us so much joy. If for no one else, we move forward, so that we can tell Ted all about all the things he got to do with his sweet sister Lily while she is with us. This week she got to go to the Library, the Splash pad and out for breakfast. These are the moments we will hang on to and pray they will carry us through.

A name for our sweet girl

First off, thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your prayers. Jason and I are so humbled by the outpouring of love and prayers we have received. We can feel your prayers and are coasting on the grace. 

When Ted was born, it took us almost 24 hours to name him. All the names we had thought of prior just didn't fit. We didn't share any name ideas with anyone. It was just between Jason and I until we decided to tell the world. 

Obviously, our circumstances have changed. We had not planned on even finding out if the baby was a boy or a girl, but now that we know that we only have the next few precious months we wanted to find out. Several people have also asked if we have named her so they can pray for her by name.

After receiving our baby girl's diagnosis I went home and made the terrible mistake of looking at medical websites the next day. I really just wanted to learn exactly what this meant. The doctor said a lot and I was in a daze and in shock and didn't really hear it all. I wanted to know what exactly was happening. I wanted to know if there were pregnancy symptoms that I was missing. I wanted to know if there was a possibility of a misdiagnosis. 

I found some of what I was looking for, but also saw some images that terrified me. If you are reading this and going through the same/similar situation I urge you to not read medical websites. They will tell you the science, but give you no peace or hope. They instilled a fear in me to even see our baby girl and this broke my heart a million times over. I was terrified and begging God to just take her now so I wouldn't have to see her like that.

On Sunday, I tried taking a nap while Ted was napping and couldn't. I decided to look up some support blogs. Real women and real families who have been through this. Their stories and pictures gave me some hope. They offered some great advice to help prepare me. They had beautiful pictures of their little angels and the precious time they had together.

Jason and I talked about several different names. We had decided on "Frances/Francis" before we knew any of this. Frances for the Saints, the Pope and my grandma who passed away a few years ago. We thought of some names that mean "Heaven", but they just were not right. My daughter, no matter her defect is a pure and beautiful child of God. I want her name to represent that. I wanted to give her a name that will remind Jason and I every time we say it that she is beautiful. We decided on Lily, which means purity and beauty. 

We pray that every day until the day we meet her we can say her name and be reminded of how beautiful she will be no matter what. 

My sweet Lily Frances, Mommy loves you so much. 

A beautiful picture from a dear friend who lost her sweet son to cancer.

Love may cost us dearly

I'm not even quite sure where to begin with this post...

I'll start by telling you how excited I was for last week. One dear friend was getting ready to have a baby and another dear friend was getting married. This didn't make it that different of a week for us. It seems like any given week I know several people who are getting ready to have babies or a wedding. We are surrounded by a large and beautiful Catholic community and weddings and babies just come naturally with that package.

But these two...these two were on my heart all week for a different reason. Joy in suffering. I had been thinking about it all week, even thinking about how I could blog about it. Something held me back...laziness, maybe God? 

My friend having the baby lost her 1 year old son to cancer almost a year ago. It broke our hearts in a way we never imagined. It was awful to see our friends suffer like that. But then the news came that they were expecting again and I remember thinking...God is so good. 

My friend getting married lost his wife to cancer almost two years ago. This also broke my heart in a way I never could imagine. I remember going to the vigil and prayer service and seeing my friend put his head in his hands and weep for his wife. But then he reconnected with someone, who also happens to be one of my closest friends. I remember thinking again...God is so good.

I thought God's timing was so amazing that these two friends who had suffered so much were going to be experiencing new life in the same week. My friend's sweet baby girl was born on Thursday and my friends' wedding was on Saturday. When I got the news that the baby was here I couldn't stop the tears of joy. I texted some girlfriends the news and said...God is so good.

Then Friday came. We had our 18 week routine ultrasound. Routine ultrasound.

And just like that our lives were changed forever...

It seemed to start out normal. The baby was moving around and the tech was chasing the baby trying to get a good picture. She seemed to be doing the normal, routine measurements and checks. The baby's heartbeat was good. She said the baby's head was down and she couldn't get a good picture. She went to show the physician the pictures.

I am a glass half-full kind of person. My husband, a bit of a worrier, often has a glass half-empty perception. He immediately felt something was wrong when the physician came in. She said she needed to discuss something with us. 

Jason, my brave husband asked if there was something wrong. I would never be strong enough to ask because I would never want to hear the answer. She said there was something wrong.

She said a lot of words I wasn't really following. All I could think about was seeing that sweet little beating heart. She showed us a picture of the baby's head and started typing...

A-N-E-N...

And I gasped and said, Oh no...I could hardly breathe.

She typed the rest of the word...

ANENCEPHALY.

I had just recently learned this word because a woman from my church just experienced the same thing.

Without even looking at Jason, his head was buried in his hands, I asked her to tell us if it was a boy or a girl. She moved the doppler around and finally...

IT"S A GIRL.

Instead of tears of joy, it was sobs of sorrow. God had finally given me a baby girl that my heart has always longed for, but I don't get to keep her.

For those of you that do not know, Anencephaly is a neural tubal defect where the baby is missing part of its brain and skull. Our baby will not survive outside of the womb. She is very much alive inside of me, but once she is born she will most likely only live a few hours.

My greatest fear has always been not being able to get pregnant.
My second greatest fear was having a miscarriage. 

I quickly learned that neither of these things were my greatest fear. ANENCEPHALY is my greatest fear. It's like knowing you are going to have a miscarriage every day for five months.

We drove home in silence, tears, disbelief. I have never felt such heartache as this.

My heart has ached for every friend or stranger that has suffered losing a child. I've had friends lose babies through miscarriage, illness, pre-term labor. I have a dear friend who cannot have children and my heart aches for all of them. 

I never thought I would be counted among these brave women. I never thought I would join their club.

I asked Jason if he understood what was happening. He said yes, but he didn't know why it was happening to us. I think it's a question that will haunt us the rest of our lives.

I laid down on our bed and Jason laid next to me. We couldn't really talk, we just laid there and cried. Jason went to go get Ted and I just stayed there laying by myself.

In that time alone, I wept. I begged God to not make me go through this. I didn't want to tell anyone because that meant it was really happening. 

I finally mustered up the strength to call my mom and sister. They were the only two I knew I could talk to. Through their tears they said all the right things. They joined me in mourning, they comforted me and told me I was stronger than I felt. 

I texted some close friends because I knew I couldn't call them all. But I knew I needed to tell them. I needed their prayers. I have never felt more alone and more loved all at the same time.

The weird thing is that when your world stops, everyone else's keeps going. We still had my friends' wedding rehearsal to attend that day. I thought about calling her and telling her I couldn't do the reading or go to the rehearsal. But then I remembered all the suffering that her soon-to-be husband went through and I knew that we had to go. I could hear God say to me, remember that there is joy in suffering. 

Jason went with me because neither of us wanted to be alone. We tried our best to feel and act normal, but it was so difficult. It took every ounce of strength not to break down when I walked into the church. Somehow, by the grace of God, we made it through.

Their wedding was beautiful. Those words, joy in suffering and God is so good just kept swirling through my mind. I've never cried so much at a wedding.

Their second reading was the same one Jason and I had at our wedding just over two years ago:

Romans 12:1-13

I urge you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship. Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.

For by the grace given to me I tell everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than one ought to think, but to think soberly, each according to the measure of faith that God has apportioned.

For as in one body we have many parts, and all the parts do not have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ and individually parts of one another. Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us exercise them: if prophecy, in proportion to the faith; if ministry, in ministering; if one is a teacher, in teaching; if one exhorts, in exhortation; if one contributes, in generosity; if one is over others, with diligence; if one does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

Let love be sincere; hate what is evil, hold on to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; anticipate one another in showing honor. Do not grow slack in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the holy ones, exercise hospitality.

After two years of marriage, our vows took on a whole new meaning. For better or for worse; in sickness and in health...

I couldn't get past the first verse...

"to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God." My heart ached. I was begging God to take this away from me and then I heard this. I still don't know how I will be able to do it, but this is how God is calling me to offer my body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. I am my baby's life support. I will never understand why God is asking this of me, but He is.

This is the worst thing I could ever imagine, but I know there are still people who experience worse. My dear friend lost her first-born son. Another friend went into preterm labor. She had no notice, no time to prepare and accept her fate. 

I have the joy, smiles and laughter of a sweet, silly 13 month old boy that I know will carry Jason and I through this. I know that as difficult as this will be, our marriage and family will be strengthened. I never knew that my heart could break, but also grow in so much love at the same time. I know this child's life is precious and she will remind me every day to cherish every second with her brother.

I say this now and it may sound like I have it all figured out. The truth is I don't have a clue how I will actually do this. I know I cannot do it alone and I cannot do it without prayer. I ask you for prayers and for the intercession of all the sweet souls that were taken from their mothers too soon.

Bradley, Leo, Stella, Ethan, Oliver, Celeste, Marie Therese, Kolbe, Veronica,Teresa...
please pray for us and our sweet girl.

A little glimpse of the joy that comes after suffering: 

 A beautiful girl with a big brother in Heaven.

 A new covenant

And this sweet boy...

he knows exactly what his mama needs, whether a kiss, a giggle or a snuggle

Currently {13}

Thinking about: What an amazing man I married. Seriously, he's the best. He does so much to provide for our family and supports me staying home with Ted. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the trials of being a mom, that I forget how difficult it must be to be a dad sometimes. Jason leaves for work by 6:45 at the latest, so there are many mornings that he gets up, gets ready and leaves for work without seeing Ted. Until recently Ted would take a late afternoon nap, so that left a very small window for Ted and Jason to play together after work too. I think about that and it makes me so sad. But he does it...not because he loves his job (he likes it, but as all jobs it has its moments); he does it because he loves his family. He has such a great heart as a leader and a servant. He just found out that he cannot take the time off to go to Iowa for my favorite weekend of the summer. I was heartbroken. It's a weekend I look forward to all year and I want to share this tradition with him. My selfless, servant husband told me he wants Ted and I to go anyway. He will stay home and work while Ted and I go spend time with my family and friends in Iowa. Seriously, he's amazing and I am beyond blessed.

Listening to: Ted's sweet little babble talk. I have no idea what he is saying, but sometimes he babbles with so much intensity and expression that I really wish I knew what he was saying. He changes the pitch of his voice and makes these adorable faces as he just babbles away. Sometimes I think he is talking to Charlie, who really could care less what Ted is saying. He says "dada", "goggie", "yeah", but still no "mama". Waiting patiently Ted, waiting patiently...

Watching: Dolly Parton on the Today Show! Love her!

Reading: Remember how awesome I just said my husband is? ^^ Well, he just got even more awesome by buying me this book. Oh, he knows me so well and loves me despite my 90210 obsession.

Thankful for: A wonderful family weekend to celebrate Mother's Day. The weather was beautiful and all I wanted all weekend was to be outside and enjoy it as much as possible because soon...very, very, soon it is going to be ridiculously hot! On Friday we went out for pizza and to an ASU baseball game. On Saturday we took Ted to the Splash Pad and out for cheeseburgers (my current pregnancy craving). On Sunday, we went to Mass, to a delicious Mediterranean restaurant for lunch (mmm, chicken shawarma), and to the zoo. It was a beautiful afternoon to walk around. Best of all, just spending the weekend with my wonderful husband and my sweet Ted. 

I love seeing Jason and Ted interact. When Ted was only a few months old I remember Jason asking me why Ted didn't like him. Naturally, Ted only wanted me because I was nursing and with him all day. Now, Ted's face lights up and he shrieks with joy when he hears Jason come home. I loved capturing these sweet moments at the baseball game the other night.

My heart is so full right now.

Thanks for stopping by! Have a blessed week!

Answer Me This {1} Link Up

I thought this would be fun in honor of Mother's Day. Thanks Dr. Mom and Catholic All Year for the idea and the questions. :)

Are you becoming your mother? 
In some ways I certainly hope so; in others, I hope I can learn from some of her mistakes. My mom is an amazing mother. She and my dad made a lot of sacrifices so she could stay home with us for as long as possible. I am the youngest, so by the time I was born, she was able to stay home for the most part full-time. She was the R.E. director at our church, so I could go with her to work. She also was a substitute teacher and on those days I would go to our neighbor's house. I was never fond of this. I loved being with my mom. In this regard, I feel like I am a lot like my mom. We have made a lot of sacrifices so I can stay home with Ted and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I had the best childhood with my mom always there for me and more than anything, I want to give that to Ted too.

I love my mom so much and I miss her every day. I love when she can visit or I get to go to Iowa and just spend time with her. We can talk about anything, but our conversations mostly center around teaching and Ted now. 

She loves her children unconditionally even though it can be painful (older brother issues I won't get into). I don't fully understand because even though I am a mom, I'm not "there yet" as a mom. It's easy to unconditionally love a one-year old. While I don't know that I would react the same, I understand the desire to do absolutely anything to help your kids. 

She is also an amazing teacher. I have never met a former student of hers who did not say she was their favorite teacher. People remember her fondly...she gives her students "Homefun" instead of homework and "Opportunities" instead of tests. I am honored to follow in her footsteps as a teacher and now a mother. 

Happy Mother's Day Mom!!

Coffee or Tea? 
Coffee! Preferably iced...even in the winter.

What foreign country would you like to visit? 
Hmm...it's a long list. I would be happy going anywhere, but some of my top places I'd like to visit are Ireland, Greece, and New Zealand. Someday...but in the meantime, I have a lot of great memories from trips I've already taken. One of my favorites was going to Europe for three weeks with my bestie - pre-hubbies and pre-kiddos! Some crazy adventures neither of us could ever soon forget.

Do you cry easily?
Yes, definitely...when I am sad, angry, or not wanting to confront someone that I need to. But, most often it's due to reruns of Grey's Anatomy (bawl my eyes out every time George's dad dies or the girl looses her baby from falling in the shower) or any show where Matthew Fox cries. The list continues with sappy, sappy movies. Remember the Titans gets me every time and so does Steel Magnolias. I only have to see the last 20 minutes of Terms of Endearment and I am sobbing on the couch. Sometimes, my husband thinks I am crazy...

How often do you wear heels?
As close to NEVER as possible. I just can't do it. My sister loves heels and I have (finally) learned that any time she tells me a pair of heels is comfy that it is a bold-faced, sister lie. ;-) She's told me this and then taken her heels off only to see her toes blistered and bleeding! I can't do it. This is about as close as I will get...and these boots she let me borrow with the tiniest heel made me want to cut my feet off. I'll leave the heels to my sissy.

Do you play an instrument?
No, but I wish I did. I would love to play the piano. I tried to learn to play the guitar in fifth grade, but I just couldn't handle actually practicing. Oh, if I could only be one of those people who was magically gifted and only had to practice to get better, not to actually learn...

That was fun...happy I found this link-up! Since no blog is really complete without a few pictures of Ted, here he is getting his first (awful) mommy haircut. 

Bye, bye baby mullet.

Currently {12}

Thinking about: Life on a budget. Since I am not teaching full-time, we've had to really look at our spending and budgeting. I must say it is stressful at times and really tries my own personal spending habits, but I am actually grateful for this time in our life. As Dave Ramsay would say, "Live like no one else, so you can one day live like no one else." It's really helped me focus on our needs and to be thankful for the blessings we already have. We don't need lots of "stuff". I love this stage in our life and marriage because we are teaching Ted valuable life lessons about what we truly matters. 

Reading: So I think I know how to get over my recent illiteracy. This book. 1) I'm a long-time, die-hard fan of the Orig. Beverly Hills 90210. 2) I love, love, love the trials and tribulations of the "rough lives" of the rich and famous. Once Jason Priestley gets me out of my non-reading funk, I might have to move on to this one next ;-)

Watching: The last few episodes of this season of Grey's Anatomy. I loved that they brought Dr. Burke back! I was secretly hoping Christina would run off with him, but I like how they did it. 

Also watching Survivor! I love Survivor and I am such a nerd about it that I am even in a Survivor pool...generally I'm a solid 4th place finisher, but this season I'm currently in third place and making my move to the top! What's the prize, you ask? Oh, nothing but my pride and bragging rights to other nerds in the group...yes, yes, I know this makes me nerdier!

Wishing: Wishing, hoping, praying for plane tickets to Iowa to go down! I always go to Iowa in June to visit family and attend a yearly camping weekend with friends. Right now tickets are crazy expensive. I can't imagine missing the camping weekend, so I'm praying for these prices to go down! I am also really excited for Ted to be (hopefully) walking and playing in the green, green Iowa grass.

Thankful for: These squishy, squishy cheeks. I seriously can't even handle how cute they are. When Ted was first born, his cheeks were the first thing the doctor mentioned! They've been so squishy and kissable since the day he was born. 

Positive

When Ted was 4 months old, he started sleeping through the night. That one, miraculous night that I got to sleep more than four hours was life-changing. It also seemed to strip me of my memory of every single night of the previous four months. I was rested, refreshed...and ready for another baby...so I thought. ;-)

When Ted was six months old, my cycle returned and that lingering idea of having another baby became more real and a little more scary. It's easy to say you are ready for another baby, but when reality hits you in the face and it becomes a true possibility, I must say, there was some fear that set in.

Fear for all sorts of reasons. Fear I wasn't ready. Fear that we couldn't afford it. Fear that I couldn't possibly share my love for Ted with another little soul. Even fear that I might not be able to get pregnant. Fear that I couldn't give Ted a brother or sister. (I didn't say any of these fears were rational, but most fears aren't right?) 

But amidst all these fears was the desire to grow our family. To see Ted as a big brother. To give him a little brother or sister. 

Every month that my cycle started again, there was a sigh of relief and sigh of sadness. Relief because it meant one more month with just Ted. Relief because I really wasn't quite ready. Sadness because that creeping feeling of Ted being our only miracle would set it. Sadness because my greatest heart's desire is to have a big family.

Then one month, that feeling... 

That feeling where you just know something is different. 

You know your life is going to change forever. 

And you can't wait...

It's that positive pregnancy test. That faint little line that your eyes just can't possibly believe so you go buy the really expensive test where there will be no question...it either says PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT. No interpreting is that line blue enough? or pink enough to mean positive?

No more question...

PREGNANT.

Again that swirl of emotions.

Relief because it clearly means I can get pregnant again. Pure joy because we can give Ted the greatest gift...a brother or a sister! 

But still the fear...can I love another little soul the way I love Ted? Am I robbing him of his time as an only child? What am I going to do with an 18 month old and a newborn?!

Then I look at the test again...

PREGNANT.

It's real. It's amazing. Ted is the greatest miracle I have ever witnessed and now I get to do it all over again. 

We are beyond blessed and thankful for this new little soul we get to love.

Baby Soper 2.0 due in October. 

 Can you see the excitement in Ted's face? ;-)

What a good big brother :)