Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Lily's Due Date

I took Bradley classes and read all the books. I know how truly insignificant a due date is. I also know how unlikely it is for a baby to actually be born on their due date (even though Ted only missed his by 26 minutes!)

I also know I never expected for Lily to even make it to her due date. But she did. And she made it for two more weeks.

One year ago, in the moment, the stress and anxiety was almost paralyzing. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to do anything or leave my house. The word "normal" left my vocabulary. I had no idea what normal was anymore. I was anxious and afraid, but also filled with joy whenever I thought about holding Lily in my arms. The intensity and mix of emotions was overwhelming to say the least.

I never thought we would make it to our 40 week appointment, but we did. And then I was so frustrated. I truly thought she would be born by then and I was quick to ask about induction. Our midwife was amazing though. She reminded me right then and there that this was our time with Lily. She reminded me that Lily was still very much alive and she was letting me know every day how strong she was. She told me to do what we could to cherish this time with her. It was nothing that we imagined, but that didn't matter. We still had the opportunity to make the most of it.

The most amazing part of those last two weeks is that I got to spend them all with Jason and Ted. It was amazing to wake up in the morning and take an early walk with my husband to Starbucks. We spent a lot of mornings going to Mass and praying together. In those two weeks, I loved my husband so much more than I ever knew possible. He took care of me, he took care of our family. 

My mom was here to take care of us and Ted. My sweet friend Mandy came from Iowa just to spend time with me. We celebrated my dad's birthday. We went to baseball games and took Ted to the zoo. We dressed him up for Halloween and passed out candy. We played at the park. Jason and I sat by our fire and drank hot chocolate sharing the most intimate moments of our journey with Lily. 

We cried...a lotWe laid in bed and watched Lily dance and twirl all night long. We listened to her heartbeat...strong and steady as always. How was it possible that she would not be that strong when she was born? 

I find myself slipping back into that foggy haze of one year ago. I was living solely on grace and prayers. There's no other explanation for how we made it through those last few days/weeks leading up to her birth. For those two weeks I woke up every day eager to meet my daughter, but also fearing it would be the day I would say goodbye.

Some days it's hard to believe almost one year has passed. Other days I wonder if I will finally wake up from this dream I've been living for the last 12 months because honestly, most of the time, it doesn't even seem possible that I am living without my daughter.

I miss you Lily. More than I ever imagined possible. I miss your kicks. I miss seeing you dance in my belly sweet girl. I can't believe you are almost one. I would give anything to hold you or to feel you inside of me again. Every single day...every minute, every second, I miss you baby girl.

 40 weeks :)

1 comment:

  1. Visiting from the Catholic bloggers facebook group. I need to read the rest of your story! This is so heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time.Hugs to you, momma!