When Ted was six months old, my cycle returned and that lingering idea of having another baby became more real and a little more scary. It's easy to say you are ready for another baby, but when reality hits you in the face and it becomes a true possibility, I must say, there was some fear that set in.
Fear for all sorts of reasons. Fear I wasn't ready. Fear that we couldn't afford it. Fear that I couldn't possibly share my love for Ted with another little soul. Even fear that I might not be able to get pregnant. Fear that I couldn't give Ted a brother or sister. (I didn't say any of these fears were rational, but most fears aren't right?)
But amidst all these fears was the desire to grow our family. To see Ted as a big brother. To give him a little brother or sister.
Every month that my cycle started again, there was a sigh of relief and sigh of sadness. Relief because it meant one more month with just Ted. Relief because I really wasn't quite ready. Sadness because that creeping feeling of Ted being our only miracle would set it. Sadness because my greatest heart's desire is to have a big family.
Then one month, that feeling...
That feeling where you just know something is different.
You know your life is going to change forever.
And you can't wait...
It's that positive pregnancy test. That faint little line that your eyes just can't possibly believe so you go buy the really expensive test where there will be no question...it either says PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT. No interpreting is that line blue enough? or pink enough to mean positive?
No more question...
Again that swirl of emotions.
Relief because it clearly means I can get pregnant again. Pure joy because we can give Ted the greatest gift...a brother or a sister!
But still the fear...can I love another little soul the way I love Ted? Am I robbing him of his time as an only child? What am I going to do with an 18 month old and a newborn?!
Then I look at the test again...
It's real. It's amazing. Ted is the greatest miracle I have ever witnessed and now I get to do it all over again.
We are beyond blessed and thankful for this new little soul we get to love.
Baby Soper 2.0 due in October.
Can you see the excitement in Ted's face? ;-)
What a good big brother :)