Wednesday, October 15, 2014

if love were enough

Two weeks from our due date and it still seems impossible...unimaginable that in less than two weeks I won't feel her kicks, that I might not be holding her in my arms.

The closer we get the more excited I am to meet Lily, even though it means letting her go too. I've never felt my heart being tugged so hard in two opposite directions.

My heart aches every single day when I think about what will most likely happen. My heart aches for Jason and me as we are about to go through every parent's worst nightmare. My heart aches for our family who may never meet our precious girl.

But most of all, my heart aches for Ted. 

Dear Ted,

One of my greatest desires for you is to have brothers and sisters close in age. Of course Lily will always be your sister, but just not the way I imagined it. 

People keep telling me what a blessing it is that you are too young to remember this. Part of me is grateful for that...every parent wants to spare their child any pain or sorrow.

But another part of me desperately wishes you will have your own memory of Lily to hold onto. That somehow, at 18 months old, you will be able to remember seeing your sister, that you will remember that despite the sadness, this journey has been so filled with love and grace.

I know you will have pictures and our stories, but I pray you grow up and somehow remember the day you get to meet her before saying goodbye. I hope it's something that you can hold onto forever, that when you face tough times in your life, you can remember meeting your sister. I hope and pray that the love and grace from that moment will carry you through a lifetime.

Your dad and I have tried so hard to create memories and keepsakes so you can grow up knowing how much we love you and Lily. We have beautiful blankets for you to snuggle with, many keepsakes and we will have pictures to tell her stories.

But it's not enough. How could it possibly be enough? None of these things will fill the emptiness in my heart or the person missing from our lives. Nothing can make up for you not having your sister to look after and protect...your sister to play with, to love and to be your best friend.

Ted, I am so sorry that you will not have your sister here with you. I'm so sorry that you will only know her through our stories and pictures. I am so sorry that we do not get to keep her.

I am so sorry.

I believe in miracles. I really do. Of course we pray and beg God for a miracle so we can keep Lily here. But, if we only focus on that miracle, we are going to miss all the others. Do you know who told me that? It was your aunt Kara. Kind of a miracle in itself because usually I am the one saying things like that to her. ;-)

But she's right. If we put all of our hope and faith into just that one miracle, we will miss all the rest. Your life will be full of amazing and wonderful things and I know Lily will have a hand in so many of them. I have complete faith in that. 

She's already taught me so much. She's taught me what true unconditional and selfless love is. She's taught me what it truly means to defend ALL life. She's taught me that my children are a true gift from God and to never take you or her for granted. And the most important thing that she's taught me is to place my family in the hands of God and never look back.

Every time I hear the chorus of this song, I think about what you will grow up knowing because Lily is your sister. I pray that her sweet life will teach you how truly sacred and precious ALL life is. I know in my heart you will be a better man because of your sister. 

I love you, Ted. And, if love were enough, we would get to keep her.

Love, Mom

Love like I'm not scared
Give when it's not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on You

Ted and Lily :)

and some fun times at the zoo


  1. just beautifully writtenl...I love the pictures of little Ted, such a sweetheart...thinking of all of you often these days...and praying for you to feel love and strength from your family, yourselves and our Savior in the coming days..

  2. All of my prayers-seriously- for all of you. As a mom of faith, my heart aches for all of the tearful conversations you have had. May God's loving grace strengthen and hold you in the days to come.

  3. Prayers for all of you, and especially for Ted. I think his memory and connection to Lily may surprise you in good ways. Our son was 3 when his cousin passed away in utero last year and he feels such a connection to Baby Georgie. And a lot of that is because we talk about him and to him and visit his grave and made a book about him...and some of that is just that children don't seem to see heaven as as far away as we do as adults. Prayers for all of you.